A Thin and Shallow Light

Guess who turned FIVE on Monday?!?

Our little Joseph!

Five years of Joseph…such a JOY of a BOY!

With friends, food, fun, and LOTS of love!

Yummy cake from the famous McArthur’s Bakery

Emily decorated with these adorable clotheslines

And all the ladies helped to make a lovely spread

No baby shower is complete without a Diaper Cake

Thanks Beth!

And lo, here is the belly…a front shot anyway, which is only slightly less scary than a side view.

Thanks to all my friends for the best baby shower ever—I am truly blessed!

See, what happens when you go a long time without blogging is that actual, important, real-life stuff occurs…and then it gets to be too overwhelming to sit down and write about…so you ignore your blog and play on Facebook all day long.  

And obsess over the SYTYCD contestants, Jersey Housewives, Kate Gosselin, and other mindless summer distractions.

But okay, to sum up:

• I suppose you are all wondering about the pregnancy.  It goes.  Belly pic coming soon.  Brace yourselves.  
• Baby is currently breech.  There’s plenty of time to turn, but do I still stress over it and google “natural ways to turn a breech” and then spend all day hanging off my couch with frozen peas at the top of my belly?  Yes, I do.
• My dad has colon cancer.  
• Sean’s dad has skin cancer.
• Shaylea got glasses.
• We put our house on the market to try to move closer to the church.  Can I say how fun it is to try to sell a house pregnant?  So fun.
• Sean finally did outside landscaping and indoor projects (such as, and I am not kidding–we JUST NOW have a toilet paper holder thingy in the master bathroom instead of a roll of toilet paper that sits on the edge of the bathtub only to fall in and get soggy several times a week) that I have been griping about for 3 years.  I seriously hope the new owners appreciate all that hard work.  
• My feet get swollen alot these days.  When I think about having 10 more weeks of this summer pregnancy, I start to twitch a little.

Things I am totally looking forward to:

• My Baby Shower is this Friday!  I requested there be Sangria and Bunco.  The Sangria is not so much for me, but naturally I want my guests to have a good time. And the Bunco is because no one really likes those silly baby shower games anyway. Bunco–now, that’s a baby shower game I can get behind.
• Selling the house so I don’t have to clean it everyday.
• Having “pregnancy brain” over with because there is something else I am looking forward to but cannot remember what it is.
• My blog friend Kearsie is going to make me a baby quilt.  Y’all, she hand sews them. Did I mention she is a blog friend?  As in, we have not actually ever met, and yet, she would do this for me.  I love her. 

And I love all of you.  All 3 of you who still read this little blog.  I will do better with the updating, I promise!

Or so I thought.

Joseph has to go and turn 5 this summer.  KINDERGARTEN age already.  My baby! 

And so, the homeschooling of the boy begins.  I like to start off slow with little ones.  A little math here.  Some phonics there.  Handwriting occasionally.

I learned this lesson the hard way by being a complete homeschool nazi overachiever crazy person with Shaylea when she was 4.  

HA!  I laugh  now.  4 year olds are babies.  And yet, there I was, with all my expectations, ready to crush her happy little spirit and love of learning with a stack of curriculum taller than she was.

Anyway, my point is that all my “teaching” didn’t even seem to matter.  One day she started reading and I still can’t really explain how that happened.  

But, Joseph.  Not so much.

He’s got the language delays, and some fine motor skill issues, and he’s a wiggly boy…

Everything I thought I knew about homeschooling, I pretty much have to throw out the window. None of the curriculum I used for Shaylea will work for him.  I have to use programs that are visual, game-oriented, or manipulative-based.  In other words, I have to freaking START OVER.

So, my homeschooling friends out there—any suggestions?  I am currently considering Happy Phonics, Math-U-See (which I’ve used before–but just the primer), and Handwriting Without Tears.  

I *think* this will work best with him, but I would LOVE to hear from any of you.  Also, is feeling like you have to “start over” with each child a normal part of the homeschool process?

And it was awesome!

But we’re back now.  

What you missed:

~the belly is way bigger

~the baby likes to kick my ribs now

~sunscreen brand really DOES matter

~Shaylea discovered her love for body surfing

~Joseph announced he is moving to Florida

~Sean channeled his inner beach cowboy

~I survived the maternity swimsuit

Good to be home.  More pictures tomorrow!

Today, I lost my bellybutton.

It’s not poking out through my clothes yet, but that’s coming.

Lord help me; it’s coming.

Because everyone wants to be like Daddy…

I was all geared up for last Sunday to be emotional and sad since it was the due date for the baby we lost last August.  But, to my surprise, the sadness never came.  

I can’t help but to feel kind of guilty about that.  Am I moving on with my “replacement baby”? No.  That’s not it.

I started a post back in January that I never finished.  It was me, still mourning our recent loss and also desperately hoping that our current pregnancy would continue.  I don’t know why I never published it.  It occurred to me that there are couples who have entire calendars filled up with due dates that will never come.  I decided I needed to get over myself, I guess.

So apparently, I have.  But I do still think about our little one.  We named the baby Promise, for the promise that we will see him or her again.  That is a comfort and a grace.  I am thankful for that.  

Speaking of names.  

Dun, Dun, DUN!!!

Names are decided people.  This is nothing short of a miracle.  Sean is THE pickiest person in the world when it comes to the naming of a child.

Okay, before you start with the opinions, I have to tell you who came up with what, so you can direct your praise/mockery/indifference appropriately.

Sean is responsible for the first names, and I chose the middle names.  

Ready?  Deep breaths…

Girl:  Emma Catherine Sawyers

Boy: Wyatt Christopher Sawyers

And, if you hate them both, I shall now distract you with a very popped out 22 week belly.

This morning we had our ultrasound, and NO, we did not ask to find out the sex.  So, you can stop pestering me, you know who you all are!

The baby was super active, so it was hard for the tech to get a lot of pictures, but here are a few:

Talking already?  This baby’s gonna give Shaylea a run for her money.

Ooooh…and now it issues a challenge to the reigning baby of the family.  Poor Joseph–his world is about to get rocked.

We love you little baby!

I realize this blog is kind of dying.  Everyday, I think of something I really want to write about, share, vent, or whatever, but then I inevitably talk myself out of it by the end of the day.

I read a lot of blogs that are indulgently melodramatic.  It annoys me.  I don’t ever want to become like that.

So, even though I want to talk about the dentist I saw last week who, I believe, really likes to hurt people; or, my dad, who had some heart trouble recently and scared us all; or, my brother, who is in Afghanistan but still maintains his sense of humor…I, um, post belly pictures instead?

So much easier.

Our dog, Maggie, went to go live on a farm.  No, not a “farm.”  An actual farm.  But I don’t want to talk about that either.

Does anyone watch The Real Housewives of New York City?  THAT, I can talk about.  THEIR drama is completely awesome.  KELLY is a whack job.

~~~~~~

I just had to yell at my daughter who said something utterly inappropriate to her brother. She promises she had no idea it was bad, but nonetheless, I threatened her with punishments and groundings and privileges taken away if I ever hear it again.

I’m sorry…what were we talking about?  I am totally unsettled over here.  Yesterday she announces that the jig is up with Santa Claus and today she is throwing around colorful insults at the dinner table.

Oh, new baby with all your squishy goodness.  I cannot WAIT to get my hands on you.

~~~~~~

Baby update: I’m somewhere between 19 and 20 weeks, I think.  I have an ultrasound scheduled for April 13th.  Check-ups are going well.  Baby moves frequently.  Not settled on names yet.  And, that’s all I got for now.

But about the name thing.  I’ve sort of floated the names we are liking around and gotten very mixed reviews.  One person even laughed in my face when I told her the boy name.  No, make that two people.

What, exactly, do you do in that situation?  I want to be all whatever about it, but deep down I don’t want to scar my child with a name that will get him laughed at all his life.

I’m hungry now.  Gone and written myself into a tizzy.

Off to find some french fries…

Less Bloat, More Baby

Y’all, I have another tooth issue.  This time it’s on the other side—same kind of pain, and I’m freaking out that I will need another root canal.  

I’ve gone 13 years with not even a peep from my teeth, and now this!  The timing, she sucks.

But whatever.  Let’s talk about the baby’s room!

First, I have to say a big thank you to everyone who suggested baby names.  We did decide on a girl’s name, and the boy’s name is getting close.  I’ll share them with you when both are set.

Okay, about the room.  Since we’re not finding out what we are having, we’re doing the gender-neutral thing with the potential to add pink or blue accents later.  I’m using the website Javis Davis to make the crib skirt and window valance in these fabrics.

This is the main fabric for the crib skirt and valance.  It’s called “Over the Moon Pastel,” or on other sites I’ve seen it titled “Nursery Rhyme Pastel.”  You can’t tell here, but in real life, these colors are way more muted and match beautifully with the fabric below.   

And this fabric will be used as a bias trim at the bottom for the crib skirt and a bottom border for the valance.  

I just love it.  When the baby is born all we have to do is get either a pink or blue crib bumper (I really like the ones by Carters sold at Babies R Us), and voila—done!

As for the wall color, the walls will be painted “Baby Bee Yellow” by the Disney line from Behr:

Sorry–couldn’t find an image bigger than this.  But it’s really soft and pretty.

And finally, on the walls I’m hanging prints by Eloise Wilkin.  Here are a few of my favorites:

from The New Baby

from Where Did the Baby Go

from Baby Dear

from Baby Dear

from My Puppy

Oh, these illustrations!  Don’t they just break your heart?

Anyway, that’s my design plan.  We haven’t even started yet, as I realize there’s PLENTY of time.  But I can’t help getting excited. 

Besides, I can’t drink (which: thanks biology, all I crave lately is beer…I don’t even like beer, but I want it—all the time), and I need SOMETHING to get my mind off my mouth.  My annoying, painful, expensive, can’t stand for the baby to be in the spotlight for one second, mouth.   

Next post, a new belly pic!

So, I wasn’t crazy.  My tooth was very unhappy indeed and needed a root canal with a crown.  I saw a specialist who took an x-ray, did a few tests, and told me I had a cracked tooth and had every right to be howling in pain.  I felt relieved to get a diagnosis and was actually happy until they told me how much it would cost, and then my pregnancy hormones kicked in and I started to cry. Like, in front of the receptionist.  And other professionals.  I ran out and into the car where I proceeded to hyperventilate and do the ugly cry for some time until I finally called Sean to break the news.  Poor Sean.  I am always costing him money.

Anyway, other events transpired, such as a visit to an alternative dentist who offered to do the work at a discount, but after he 1) didn’t do an exam but denied that my tooth was all that bad, 2) began to shave it down with some tool to adjust my bite, which I did NOT ask him to do, and 3) used some electric torture device to “shock the pulp” to see if it “really hurt like I said it did,” I told Sean that I really like saving money too but this man wasn’t coming near me ever again.

And then Sean talked me down and asked if he could at least do the crown since we’d save around $700.  Plus, we have a dentist friend (hi John!) who encouraged us to have a specialist do the root canal but said we could shop around for the crown.  So, I guess it’s a fair compromise. 

I had the root canal yesterday, and I feel amazingly better.  Sean’s wallet?  Not so much.

And, in the midst of all this physical and emotional trauma, I started to feel the baby move last week.  Little flutters at first, and now tickles all over my right side.  Also, baby is hungry alot, which means I eat ALL THE TIME.  

Okay, internet, I need help.  We are not finding out the sex of this baby, and so we have to come up with boy and girl names.  It’s exhausting and frustrating because Sean and I cannot agree to anything.  Ideas?  Suggestions?  Please?

Pregnancy Update: Just as the fatigue and nausea began to subside a couple weeks ago, the dreaded hormonal migraines attacked.  They are evil and laugh in the face of Tylenol. And then there’s this toothache thing that sort of happened, and I couldn’t tell if it was really a toothache or just nerve pain from the headache migrating down into my face.  And since we don’t have dental insurance, I really just put it off, hoping that when the migraine stopped, the tooth pain would too.  

But that was stupid, because then it occurred to me that it might be the other way around, and the toothache could be causing my headache.  Me = screwed, either way. 

So, tomorrow I am seeing the dentist, and y’all, I am excited.  That’s how bad it is.  Sad.

And now, the much anticipated 13 week belly shot.  

Ta da!

Sean shaved his beard yesterday.  Into this.

I’m thinking…no.

Tonight Sean and Shaylea went to a father/daughter sweetheart dance sponsored by Lifelight Youth Theater—the homeschool drama company she belongs to.  I had so much fun getting her ready…curling hair, a little makeup, a special dress.  It did give me mini panic attacks though as I thought of how one day I will get her ready for a dance which she will attend with some BOY.  

Sigh.  Daddy, get yer shotgun ready.  

The dress: a steal at 75% off end of season sale!

Sean admires his date for the evening. 

I am so jealous of her hair. 

(((weep)))

It was not my intention to go so long without an update, but shortly after my last post, first trimester misery hit full force, and so most of my time has been spent either 1)sleeping or 2)trying not to vomit.  It’s really, really hard work, lemme tell ya.

So far, I haven’t actually thrown up, but I came super close on the way home from church today and even took my seat belt off in case I had to bolt.  Don’t worry—we weren’t on the highway or anything.  I was in that place, you know that pregnancy place where you are so hungry you need to eat NOW and only one thing will make you feel better but if you wait too long the very thing you were craving becomes an intense aversion and so you are still hungry but also SICK and so nothing will really work except to drink coke and burp alot?  Yeah.  That place. 

So I was in that place as we were leaving church when I told Sean I needed a Sonic cheeseburger, like, right now.  And so we headed to the Sonic and were waiting at a stop sign in the parking lot at the time I had taken my seat belt off.  I was THIS close to losing it.  Needing air, I rolled down the window, stuck my head out with my mouth open and eyes closed,  and breathed the cold snowy air slowly in and out.  And then it occurred to me how funny I probably looked to people, put my head back in the car to tell Sean, and that’s when we got rear-ended by another car.  

Good times.

Anyway, needless to say, the crucial moment had past when we finally got to the Sonic, and it wasn’t a cheeseburger anymore that I wanted, but a cheese coney.  But not the actual hot dog.  I just wanted the chili and cheese and bread.  And a coke.  Always the coke.  And I thought I really wanted tater tots, but then I tried to eat them, and that turned out to be a mistake.  I tried to bargain with Joseph to trade him for his fries, but he wouldn’t budge.  Meh.

This is a really sucky update.  I need to write more, like the two memes I got tagged for…but they both require either thought or action, and you know…I’d rather just go back to bed.

I’ve been hiding a little something from you.

A VERY little something.

This was taken last Tuesday, at 7 weeks.  And no, I have no idea what I’m looking at either.  But it had a heartbeat and a nice little round yolk sac, with which the doctor seemed to be particularly pleased, so much so that he kept of picture of just that for himself.  

Yes, we are happy.  Cautiously, tip-toey, let’s not really talk about it much yet, happy.

I wanted to keep this secret until February, when I get out of the first trimester.  But then Sean went and told the kids after the ultrasound—the very two people whom I did NOT want to know because of hoping to avoid breaking their precious little hearts should I lose this baby.  

But now that they know, I hardly think keeping it from everyone else matters much.  So there’s that.  And the fact that I can no longer button my pants. 

Well, here we go again!  Please, prayers for this little one to make it.  We sure do want to meet him/her in August!

Hellooooooo!  

Well.  SO much has happened since I posted last.  Where to begin, where to begin.

First, Shaylea turned eight on December 13th.  Eight!  I am so old.

Also, on December 13th I finished the fourth Twilight book.  

There were Christmas parties and dinners and festivities.  None of which I documented with pictures because I am LAZY and PREOCCUPIED.

On December 28th, Sean and I celebrated 12 years of marriage.  Old!

We went out of town to visit family and friends over New Year’s.  Nope.  No pictures there either.

And then…there’s this other thing.  Something I want to tell you but just can’t bring myself to say.  It’s too scary.  It’s too soon.  You’ve probably guessed, but let’s just pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, okay?  Good. Thanks.  

Anyway, I will return with regular posting shortly.  I appreciate your patience while I’ve been gone.  I’ve been reading all of your blogs and thinking about you and missing you.  And if you don’t have a blog, don’t worry—I thought about and missed you too.  *Kisses*

I really will be back. Soon. I can’t post right now…but I have lots to share, probably after the new year though.

Y’all be good and enjoy the holidays!

Too busy reading (on book 3…it’s a sickness!) to pose children for Christmas cards.  

But Maggie, well…way more easily done.

Back to Eclipse…

You  have no idea how long I’ve wanted to replace that poop entry with something else, but WordPress has gone and changed stuff.  Yet AGAIN. 

And I don’t do so well with change, so I’ve been avoiding my blog, hoping somehow in my absence the new design would magically turn back to what’s familiar.  Newsflash!  That doesn’t work.  Much like no matter how many hate letters I send to the Facebook team about how much the “new” Facebook sucks, they simply refuse to acknowledge me.  But, like, what I am gonna do. NOT use Facebook?  To “show” them?  Whatever.  They totally OWN US ALL.

Anyway.

That’s not what this post is about.  This post is about the book Twilight.  

So I bought the book a few months ago on the advice of many friends and fellow bloggers.  And then it just sat on my nightstand for oh, about two weeks.  One day, I think I read maybe 3 or 4 pages, decided it really wasn’t for me, and moved it to a bookshelf whose fate is to hold the Books No One Reads But Has to Own For One to Be Cool.  That bookshelf gets seriously dusty and gross.

Several more weeks went by.  The movie came out.  Women and teenyboppers everywhere freaked out, some even throwing their undergarments at the screen because of Edward and his unfathomable beauty.  And I was still all, “Whatever!”

And then the other day we took the kids to this kiddy place that’s mind-numbingly boring for adults, so I decided to bring a book to read.  Twilight caught my eye.  I would give it another chance.  

It’s true what they say.  I’m not even sure how it happened—I assure you it was almost against my will—but it does draw you in.  

But for some reason, I’ve been embarrassed to admit to reading this book.  I mean, I did have to go to the teen section of the bookstore to buy it.  And I know that girls and women of all ages are into the series, but still.  I was determined to keep it hidden in public and never to talk about it on my blog.

Until today.

Today I had an acupuncture treatment, and like most days that I show up for my appointment, I end up waiting.  So, seeing how I was totally into the book at this stage, I decided to bring it to read while I waited for my turn.

Two steps into the office and I hear a high-pitched shriek.  It’s Nicole, the receptionist. “Someone has a good book!” she says—loudly.  I blush and quickly sit down to read.  The man sitting next to me on the couch shakes his head and rolls his eyes.

Then, one of the female doctors walks through and says hello to me, but instead of looking at my face her eyes are drawn to the book on my lap.  She stops, suddenly, a look of curiosity creeping across her face that quickly turns to recognition.  ”Is that  Twilight?!” she nearly screams.  Nicole joins in at this point, too, still giddy to discover a new reader.  I try to be excited with them, but other patients are now watching this all go down.  I want to die.

Then the girl who does billing comes to the front desk right as my doctor (a woman) sticks her head out to call my name.  I try to hide the book under my coat but they see it anyway.  Not that it would have mattered. The other two women were determined to broadcast to everyone within earshot that ATTENTION!  SOMEONE ON THE PREMISES HAS THE BOOK TWILIGHT.  I REPEAT, THE BOOK TWILIGHT HAS REDUCED YET ANOTHER GROWN WOMAN WITH CHILDREN TO A GIGGLY HEARTSICK TEENAGER.  Well done you, and all that.

The following five minutes remind me of a girls bathroom in junior high.  No one was trying to brush my hair or anything, but besides that, exactly the same.  All four ladies went ON and ON. It’s like they had an office club or something.

I tried to keep my cool in front of the other strangers in the waiting room, but just like Twilight had eventually drawn me in, so too did their contagious enthusiasm.  

I smile with them and listen to their glowing praises, and promise to keep reading and tell them what I think.  And then one of the male doctors tells us to move along, so we all say goodbye for the time being.  Our junior high selves want to hug at this point, since we had so totally just bonded, but we resist the urge and skip off in different directions.

This is me ranting about poop.   

I was in the process of putting my thoughts together in the form of a witty limerick or two, or perhaps a series of haiku, for old times sake. 

But then, I just couldn’t bring myself to complete it because, really.  Poop doesn’t deserve to be immortalized in poetry.

Rant the First: Low Flow Toilets are Full of Crap!

Sure they’re mandated to save water, and I’m all for caring for the environment.  But I ask you! Who’s going to care about MY environment when there’s a foul river of poop threatening to take over the entire house just because one of us dared to use two more than the allotted FIVE toilet paper squares that one can safely flush before that evil porcelain demon that IS the low flow toilet regurgitates sin and corruption all over the bathroom floor?!  

Rant the Second:  If She Weren’t So Cute She’d Be Dead

This week Maggie had diarrhea.  We don’t know why.  Sean blames me for giving her rawhide bones.  I blame him for feeding her too much people food.  Either way, we have discovered one thing—Maggie has a very delicate intestinal tract.  It must be kept in balance at all times and in no way ever taunted.

But after hours of cleaning, cleaning, and more cleaning, I began to rehearse a few “accidental” scenarios in my head of how Maggie “disappeared.” For some reason though, everyone in the house sided with the dog and told me to get over it already.

So I decided to pour a bottle of Pepto down her throat and go look for new carpet instead. Frieze, anyone?

Rant the Third: How Hardwood Floors Saved My Family

This afternoon Joseph and Shaylea went outside to play, and then in for who knows what, and back out again, and in, and so on.  

Soon after they came in for the last time I noticed…a smell.  And then I saw some dirt on the floor.  Wait…? Not dirt.  

Sigh.

So I check the shoes and of course—poop.  

I go through a box of Swiffer Disposable Cloths and ponder how my life has come to this. Feeling entirely too existential to be angry, I glide over the wood floors in a kind of daze.  

Why does everything seem to revolve around poop lately?  Who can say.  Perhaps it’s God’s way of keeping me humble.  I would suggest to Him there are other, more sanitary ways to keep me in line.

But whoever said that sanctification is sanitary?  No, it’s usually a messy business.  And now that I’m ovulating on the new medicine and don’t have that to obsess over, I suppose I was due for something else to drive me to utter dependence on Him. 

Poop: so simple, yet so effective.