A Thin And Shallow Light

Updated for letter readability!

I am down the hall from the kitchen.

I hear Joseph and Shaylea making lunch, talking, and having fun when Joseph asks her if Tico from Dora is a boy or a girl. Shaylea answers “boy,” but in a weird voice/accent/language that Joseph cannot understand.

He asks her again. She repeats herself in the same confusing manner. Joseph grows frustrated. This delights Shaylea, so she repeats herself to the point of utterly exasperating her brother until he growls, stomps, and beats her with his fists.

And all the while, Shaylea is laughing.

So.

I call them both to me, and I listen to their explanations of what occurred. I tell them Daddy will talk to them when he gets home. Shaylea, confident she did nothing wrong, skips off. Joseph melts into a puddle of tears and attaches himself to my legs.

Later, Daddy indeed gets home. He kindly and lovingly speaks to the children. He reads from the Bible on how we are to treat each other in families. The children feel the weight of their sin and repent to each other and to God. No one is yelled at. No one is spanked. Reconciliation abounds!

However…

As part of their discipline, Shaylea must spend some time alone in her room until dinner and cannot read her favorite book in bed that night. Joseph is banned from all electronic entertainment for a day.

So Shaylea goes to her room, and Sean sits on the couch to unwind. He flips through the channels (including one playing “The Simpsons”) until he remembers he has an episode of “Ice Road Truckers” recorded. Joseph wanders around the living room, forlorn but not in despair.

Shaylea, on the other hand, convinces herself from her room that she has been impugned. Armed with a pen and a feisty sense of indignation, she crafts this letter:

(front: click to enlarge)

(back: click to enlarge)

I will say that I love the use of hyperbole in her writing. This girl shows some real promise as a future blogger, don’t you think?!

Hey, did I tell you about the time I got threatened with a lawsuit due to the title of one of my blog posts?

No?

I totally did y’all. And it was kind of alarming and freaked me out and culminated in me calling my brother (the lawyer) really late at night asking him if 1) this chick was for real and 2) am I going to jail?

The answer to both, it turned out, was no. She gave me “one week” to change the title or…how did she put it?…oh yes, she would “be forced to take other actions.”

But my brother, though he is most often a vast warehouse of useless information, really came in handy this night, since he knows about the law and went to school for it and stuff…and he filled me in on the finer points of copyright law and how I should not start saving for a legal defense fund quite yet.

So anyway…long story short: I ignored her and kept the blog title. And, nothing bad happened.

(You are SO curious right now as to which title. Aren’t you. AREN’T YOU!)

But that was over a month ago, so I’m pretty much over it now.

However, there was no shortage of other drama in my life this summer, the details of which I will spare you. And seriously, you might be wondering if I am exaggerating as to the level and intensity of said drama (because I realize I haven’t truly blogged all summer, and this is kind of coming from out of nowhere…and I get that out of context I probably am sounding like a pathetic, whiny spoiled brat).

And yet.

It came from every direction possible. It was relentless. I stopped sleeping and developed a stomach ulcer; I was simultaneously numb and detached but also overwhelmed and hyper-emotional. I felt nothing. I felt everything.

And I began, as the long summer weeks went on, to lose every coping skill I had in my arsenal.

So…

This was the summer that I learned more about myself than I ever could have imagined.

This was also the summer I tried and failed pretty much everything I attempted.

And this was the summer I lost myself and wondered if I ever would be found.

Finally, this was the summer, that when I reached the end of my rope, brought me to my doctor’s office where I had a near-hysterical breakdown and left with a prescription for anxiety medicine.

(which I gladly take and am THANKFUL for)

But ah…

September will be here soon. Fall has always been my favorite season. Something about the crisp air…I can feel it coming. I can feel my mind clearing.

The rest of me is getting better too. I don’t generally do well with drama of any kind…I internalize everything, take things personally, get my feelings hurt. But slowly, life is looking more familiar to me. I am hopeful that I can be me again, soon.

I sleep now. My ulcer is gone. My body is not as tense. My hands are finding their way to the keyboard again, where we all know the real therapy happens anyway. But my heart, my heart…well, that one might take a while.

Seriously….WHERE?!?!

I think I’m gonna need another one of these…

I was in labor, at home. You can read that story here, if you would like.

All day long, I’ve been going over in my mind that day–that magical day, and wishing that just for a moment, I could be there again.

Tomorrow, August 29th, is Emma’s first birthday. She was born at 1:30 in the morning. But, to me, I will always remember August 28th, the day I labored to bring her forth. Today…today is my day.

To honor this occasion I chased the babe around for about an hour just trying to get ONE picture of her looking at the camera. She is busy, this girl.

We look out windows.

We walk along furniture.

We almost look at the camera.

We sit down to play.

We have awesome thighs.

We go up some stairs.

We come back down.

We push boxes over, with the greatest of ease.

More play. Always more play.

Until we hear Daddy’s voice, that is.

Chase the baby, chase the baby…

(sixty pictures later)

Gotcha!

Hey y’all, remember Shaylea?

I know it’s been a while, but she’s been pretty busy this summer, what with her travels and all.

She squeezed in a few minutes for a quick photo shoot, mainly because she wants you all to notice something.

Her lovely new glasses, of course!

Little Miss Shaylea Elizabeth…isn’t she a beauty?

Is rockin’ some crazy hair today

Yep–I’m talkin’ about you

Learning new tricks all the time

The hair, aflame with sunlight…it is most excellent

Emma, almost 11 months

The force is strong with this one

Oh, you guys.

I can’t even count the many ways life has intervened so far this summer to push this sad, little blog so far down on my list of Things To Do that I can barely see it, recognize it, or frankly, care.

And I realize I haven’t updated in such a long time that the only readers left are probably related to me and only checking in to see pictures of Emma, which: have I even taken any of those either in the last six weeks? Nope. I know. Bad mommy. Parenting fail. Et cetera.

But, if there are any of you out there still, don’t give up on me quite yet. Major life happenings tend to knock me off balance for a bit. What I need to write and write well, I don’t have. But I am looking for it; it’s there, somewhere. Probably under this pile of laundry.

Plus, the summer always teases me with its promise of longer days which translates into more time thus allowing me to actually finish things I started back in January. But the summer is a dirty liar, filled with days so hot and humid that it sucks the life out of me, reducing me to a completely non-productive ball of sweat panting on the kitchen floor in front of an open refrigerator. A ball of sweat with bad hair, even.

Except for those glorious days we spent in Colorado back in June. In some places, it was downright cold. There was actual snow, y’all.

Still to come, more on that Colorado trip, plus the family of seven who are living with us now; in addition to the Classical Conversations homeschool group I am directing; and also those kids of mine, how Shaylea went to Kanakuk for a week of summer camp, and Joseph turned 6; how Emma has 4 teeth, waves hi, says “uh-oh”, and is trying to walk.

Yes, there is quite the buzz of activity ever-present in the Sawyers house these days. I am just about deaf from it.

This week has been quiet. Sean’s parents have the older two, and all of a sudden, we remember the days of what it’s like to have just one child.

We’ve learned a few things about that, about ourselves. In short, we don’t like it.

Having one baby is hard, y’all. I knew Shaylea and Joseph were helpful with Emma, but I never realized just how much I need them.

On the other hand, we’ve had some precious time alone with her, discovering more about her personality and watching her try new things.

So, this week, Emma…

Has determined that she enjoys pulling books off the shelves.

Is happy that she is getting lots of pretty hair that mostly lays down, even though the silly back part still sticks up.

Loves playing with Daddy on the floor. Notice the baby bald spot is finally starting to fill in!

Most of all, loves and misses her big brother and sister!

And mommy does too! Come home soon my little helpers. The dishwasher really needs to be unloaded, and I haven’t had a decent shower all week.

(extra points to anyone who knows the reference for this title)

You guys! I have discovered the wonders of bamboo.

So the other day I was in this all natural baby store where most everything is over-priced but good for baby and the environment and so you pretend NOT to be in sticker shock every five minutes but instead nod approvingly because of course why wouldn’t I want to buy a stainless steel sippy cup that is SEVENTEEN DOLLARS?! Anyway. While browsing the clothes, I brushed up against a bodysuit…or maybe it was a gown?…it doesn’t matter. The point is, OMG, it was the softest material I had ever touched in my life.

And so I bought one. A bodysuit that is, for Emma, because it was on sale and also I never really did anything meaningful for Earth Day.

But then! I got home and looked at the tag to read how to launder this most precious item of clothing, and behold…I had not even noticed that the fabric was none other than…bamboo.

(with 5% lycra)

Bamboo? I was perplexed. Since when did people start making clothes from bamboo? I am late to the party on this, it seems.

Then I remembered I had read about bamboo cloth diapers (which: I do that now, cloth diaper…but that’s a whole other post…my crunch factor is steadily increasing) so I went a-googling to see what other things are made from bamboo.

Well, a lot of stuff, is what I learned. Clothes–yes! I must have this bamboo goodness for myself. Blankets for baby and/or family–on it! Sheets–wait, what?!

And now I will confess to you my greatest weakness outside of cute bags and lip gloss.

Sheets.

I am a sucker for soft bed sheets. I thought I had reached the pinnacle of softness by experimenting with different combinations of cotton and thread count; but no. Bamboo is IT, baby.

Alas, they are expensive. However, I am not deterred.

Bamboo is a fabric with extraordinary qualities. It is naturally sustainable, anti-bacterial, hypoallergenic, breathable, and absorbent.

So you see, sleeping on these sheets will be good for the planet as well as the health of the family.

I’m just, doing my part to be green. One luxurious, silky bamboo textile at a time.

It’s like this.

Sometimes writing is fun, and my blog is fun; therefore many things are said, pictures are taken, entries are posted, and my mother is happy.

Other times my blog feels like a school assignment that I have to complete, so I ignore it, if for no other reason than to proclaim to the hundreds of pages of writing I did in college that you did not break me hahahaha I WIN.

And on these occasions I am also tempted to warn all future English majors that unless you want to eye books resentfully for the rest of your life and yet feel strangely compelled to write detailed theses upon completion, run. RUN AWAY NOW.

But lo, I slink back. Eventually. I was always kind of a teacher’s pet that way.

So anyway, here’s a quick recap of life since I last posted…

On Emma:

She has lots of pretty dark hair coming in, but it still sticks straight up on top; it is very awesome that way. She can get up on all fours and rock back and forth but has not crawled yet. She still nurses all the live-long day and will not tolerate solids whatsoever. If you talk to her, she will talk back and make some pretty cute sounds, and if you show her an iPhone, she will downright flirt with it. Her two bottom teeth have come in.

On Joseph:

He used to hate tacos but now it’s his favorite meal. But it has to be the box with the bell on it. Not the other one. The other one is yucky. He reports that Team Umizoomi is his new favorite show because it helps him develop his mighty math powers. His two bottom teeth are loose.

On Shaylea:

She has a piano recital coming up, and she’s really excited because one of the songs she is playing is very “fancy.” When not doing school, she reads, knits, draws, or works on any one of her ongoing projects. Currently she is counting down the hours to a slumber party she is attending on Friday night. She probably has some loose teeth also…somewhere in there.

On Sean:

He is busy. Did you know he is busy? He is. He is here, then he is there. Pretty soon, he will be everywhere. He does church stuff, fire chaplain stuff, community stuff, husband and father stuff, and on top of all that he watches Glee with me and enjoys creating tasty baked goods.

On Myself:

Three weeks ago I decided to start the show Lost for the first time, from the beginning. So to be honest, that’s probably 98% of where I’ve been. But I’m all caught up now and watching it with the masses. In other news, I got a haircut around Easter and recently was able to fit back into my skinny jeans, which was quite the shocker since I was convinced after having Emma that I’d never see them again. Many thanks to the little nursling…my kind of exercise program—sitting on your tail and doing jack.

Behold, the baby:

Now, with teeth!

It’s come to my attention that some folks are not able to view the new blog. I can only think of two reasons why this may be. There may be more than two, but I am not web-savvy enough to know what they are.

1) You may need to clear the cache on your web browser.

2) The new blog has a completely different feed url than the old one; you may need to re-subscribe, and you can do that by scrolling to the bottom of this page and clicking on the link.

Also, there was an issue with comments last week, but it’s fixed now. Apparently, I had installed a spam-blocker that only allowed people to leave comments that were over 16 characters, or something like that. Anyway, it’s gone now. You may all comment with an emoticon to celebrate.

In other news, I have no news.

Except! Emma rolls all over the place now. So that’s fun. But also inconvenient. Because she is fast. Fortunately, I have other little slave children whose job it is to roll her back to me when she has gone too far. As a mom, I am very, very good at delegating.

Random Question of the Day: What are your thoughts on de-friending or being de-friended on Facebook?

I sincerely would like to know…let’s discuss!

Joseph runs up to me with a pained and worried look on his face, his fingers, outstretched. I imagine he’s done something foolish to hurt himself, but I am busy and do not take the time to inquire. Instead, I do what moms do–take his precious hand into mine, put them up to my face, and gently kiss each little finger that is hurt.

“No Mama. Poo!”

I am frozen in the silence of a thousand years; my brain struggles to remember and comprehend. I think for a minute…yes, he has just come from the general direction of the bathroom. I look again at his fingers. Closely, this time. My eyes widen. My mouth grimaces. Now, it is my turn to look pained.

“That’s…poo?”

Please say no. Please say no. Please say no.

“Yes–when I was wiping–my fingernails–”

And then he tries to explain, but at this point, it really doesn’t matter anymore.

He’s five. These things happen. I guess.

However. During the years I was trying so desperately to get pregnant with him, days like these–this scenario in particular–never once registered into my thinking. But oh, this boy. He’s my love.

Joseph, everything you do is magical to me. I see you coming around the corner, and my heart skips a beat. You have the biggest eyes and longest eyelashes I have ever seen. You are my beautiful baby boy.

I dread the day when you are too cool to acknowledge my existence, but for now, at least 20 times a day, you find me wherever I am (including the most inconvenient of places), just so you can give me a hug, or a kiss, or tell me that you love me more than all the stars in the sky, and ask me if that’s how much I love you.

“I do,” I reply, and scoop you up to bury my nose into your neck. “I love you more than you can know.”

These days, these days…gone too fast.

Y’all? Do you see what I see?

Supposedly, I fixed my blog. You should be seeing the new theme. However, several times today for no reason, NO REASON AT ALL, it has reverted back to the old blog.

Befuddled, is what I am.

And tired.

Oh, good idea baby. I think I’ll lay my head down for a while too.

It was not my intention to go so long without updating. Many apologies.

I switched over from WordPress dot com to WordPress dot org two weeks ago, and I still haven’t been able to make the new site go live. So, I’ve just been avoiding my blog because, you see, if I update HERE, then it won’t show up THERE whenever it does (if ever it does?) start working.

But it doesn’t seem to matter because the new and improved “A Thin and Shallow Light” multimedia experience and blogging extravaganza, for which I am paying monthly (monthly!), is lost in some internet black hole, most likely with my favorite brown loafers I lost when we moved.

This comes as a crushing blow to my spirit, as I was so proud of myself in the beginning. I found a web host. Signed up with said web host. Transferred my domain. Created lots of usernames and passwords. Exported the old blog into the new blog. Sifted through thousands of themes. Uploaded shiny plugins. And my biggest accomplishment of all…designed logos and banners in photoshop. But will you ever see them?

In the immortal words of the Magic 8 Ball: “Outlook not so good.”

But actually, I’m probably overselling anyway. The logos, the banners—I kind of hated them, especially after hours of meticulous pointing and clicking. So in the end, the blog theme I love, elusive and mysterious though it may be, is really quite simple.

But oh, so elegant. I’m GIDDY about the typography.

Anyway.

I’m also feeling ranty about some musings on the Church and some trends I have been confronted with lately. I’m just sitting on a whole bunch of thoughts right now. Perhaps I will share later. Or perhaps I will get over myself.

“Cannot predict now.”

Aside from all this, I am fine. We are all fine. Daylight Savings Time has completely ruined our family and I’m not sure we will ever be the same, but other than that, we’re good.

I hope to see you all again very soon, just not HERE. Please, dear gods of web hosting and domain names and whatnot, tell me what to dooooo?!

“Concentrate and ask again.”

Blast!

And Emma loves his beard!