A Thin and Shallow Light

But I’m not.

I wish I could put into words how precious these girls are.

How there is so much love between them.

How their faces light up at the sight of each other.

How Shaylea will stop whatever she is doing at the chance just to be near Emma.

How Emma studies Shaylea throughout the day and looks for her when she is gone.

Most of all, I wish I could tell you how privileged I feel to watch the bond develop between these sisters. How I wait for the nights when girly giggles will ring throughout the house; how they will tell their stories and share their secrets; how sorrows will be comforted and delights triumphed.

I wish…I wish I had the words.

So, I decided my blog needed a little pick-me-up. Or maybe I did.  Either way, I hope it works.

Today is blah. The weather sucks. Emma’s on a nap strike. We’re out of bread.

OBVIOUSLY, THESE ARE DESPERATE TIMES.

But still, I thought a new blog theme might help things a bit. Does it look happy to you? Kind of like I hung up streamers on my blog? Like we’re all having a grand party?

I think it’s the best I’m going to get with WordPress, short of designing my own from scratch, but unless someone wants to do that FOR me, not gonna happen. These hands can only do so much.

Last night I fiddled with Typepad a bit, to explore the blog themes they had to offer. Could not understand a darn thing. I tried to set up a trial blog, but it was a disaster. I couldn’t even figure out how to get my name right.

So, for now, looks like I’m staying put.

Hmmm….Emma finally went to sleep.

Maybe this day is turning around?

Thanks new blog theme party streamers!

Now tone it down. Baby is trying to sleep.

There is a corner of my house where the ladybugs go to die.  It’s a nice corner—big windows with a great view of sky and trees, tucked behind the couches but with plenty or room to roam about—so you know, I get it.

The other day I went to vacuum in that corner and found a whole bunch of them, with their little ladybug legs in the air, just chillin’ and being dead.  I said a silent prayer over them and wished them well in the ladybug afterlife before they went on to their eternal resting place in my Hoover.

Sometimes we find the ladybugs still alive, either walking on the carpet or flying around in the air.  I did not know that ladybugs could fly until a few years ago when we saw them swarming outside one warm October day.  I do believe there is nothing creepier than swarming ladybugs.

Ladybugs were once cute.  I could deal with friendly ladybug costumes, toys, clothes, and decor—those kept the ladybugs theoretical, you see.  But when thousands of them began to swarm outside our windows, something changed.

Remember the first time you saw the clown doll scene in the movie Poltergeist when you were a kid?  A lot of scary crap happened in that movie right?  But what do you immediately think of when I say “Poltergeist”?

CLOWN DOLL!

In fact, that movie created an entire generation of clown doll hating adults.  No loving parent buys his kid a clown doll–ever. You bring a clown doll in my house and it will likely meet the end of a 20 gauge shotgun.

And so it is with the ladybug, especially the swarming variety.

Except, you are clever, ladybug.  You are too wee to shoot, and you seem impervious to traditional extermination methods.

In the world of homeopathy, there is a saying: Similia Similibus Curentur, or “Like cures like.”

Let’s get trippy and extrapolate.

I imagine my house.  There are clown dolls of various sizes and colors, hanging from the roofline like a Poltergeist Christmas. The power of the clown dolls’ combined creepiness forms an invisible force field, warding off all ladybugs and their creepy evil spirits.  Upon completing their task, the clown dolls withdraw from the roofline and hover above the house en masse, swirling this way and that.  Their curative energy being effectively depleted, they burst into millions of creepy clown doll particles and disperse into the atmosphere.

Or, I could continue to vacuum you up, ladybug, in your sweet corner of death.

It’s a good idea though.  I think we could make it work.  But I beg you. Nobody bring me any clown dolls to experiment with. Especially clown dolls dressed up in ladybug costumes.  God knows I have enough irrational fears to deal with already.

makes my heart all melty.

My mother just called and asked why I don’t blog more often.  I told her I only blog when I have something to say. None of you want to listen to me ramble on about nothing, right?  I mean, that’s what Facebook is for, after all.

But, since she asked, and I love her so, I will do an impromptu blog post, a glimpse into the inner workings of my mind, if you will.  And for this, dear friends, I apologize in advance.

First, I am blogging this very moment on the shiny new MacBook my husband bought me.  For OBVIOUS reasons, having a MacBook is awesome, but if I didn’t have this MacBook right now, I would not be able to blog at all because my children are hogging the desktop.

And yet, even now, the little preciouses are knocking on the bedroom door trying to get in.  For what reason? Who knows.  The door is locked…they have left in defeat.

I just texted Sean to see if he could bring home eggs and bacon so we can have brinner tonight. Man, I’m so hungry right now.  I could really go for some brinner.  Bacon, eggs, biscuits, waffles, fruit, sausage….mmmmmmm.

My feet are perpetually cold.  They get so cold that they turn blue.  That can’t be good, right?

I hear the kids outside my door again.  And now strange growling from an unknown origin.  I am presently choosing to ignore this.

I keep having this recurring nightmare.  I’m not even going to try to explain it to you, but it’s seriously messed up.  It’s the kind that makes me wake up all sweaty and confused.  I’ve had it so many times that yesterday morning I wondered if part of it is real, if maybe I had been to that place, and seen those things, but no…that would be impossible.  Still, I wonder.  I think this is how people end up in therapy.

Thanks to Netflix I am obsessed with and addicted to several BBC shows.  I watch them at night, streaming (on the awesome MacBook), while in bed.  Wire in the Blood and MI-5 are my faves right now. I only have one more episode of Wire in the Blood to watch though.  Sad…

Brinner is ON!

Woo!

Hungry.

I always want to tell you funny stories about being a pastor’s wife.  But, I can’t. If I had been smart and made this an anonymous blog, then I guess I could get away with it.  Alas, you will all have to wait for my posthumous memoirs.

Having three kids and homeschooling and stuff makes me not think about my role as “pastor’s wife” very often. Sometimes I remember that I am one and get all panicky…like I should be doing something important and spiritual. But no, I’m home…not cooking dinner and watching BBC on Netflix.

I just spell checked and the computer hates the word brinner, apparently.  That is a shame.

Sooooooo, I’m done now.

Must go address the growling…

Back when I was pregnant with Emma, my friend Kearsie offered to make me a baby quilt after I complained on Facebook that good baby quilts were expensive and hard to find.

Well, when it came in the mail, and I looked at it for the first time, my jaw dropped.  It’s just stunning, and the workmanship is superb.  It boggles my mind that the whole thing is hand sewn. I love it so much, and I should have given her a proper bloggy shout out long ago.

Look how big!

Tummy Time

Close-up of the fabrics—gorgeous…

And the reverse, how fun!

Thank you, thank you, thank you Kearsie for my quilt!  I will treasure it always!

I don’t really know anymore.  I thought I was pretty crunchy until a few days ago when I read a blog entry by a girl who, in an attempt to rid her household of disposables, replaced all the toilet paper in her bathrooms with a family cloth.

I know.  Let your mind linger on that one a moment longer.

So, compared to her, I’m not crunchy at all.  Not even crispy.  Maybe a little crumbly.  Or chewy.

But you gotta admire her dedication you know?  That’s some hardcore crunch right there.

So, how crunchy am I?

More than not, I guess.  We did the homebirth thing; we homeschool; we ascribe to attachment parenting.

As far as green living goes, we do the usual composting and recycling…in that sense I would not so much call that crunchy as I would just plain old responsible living.

We buy our food from a local farm.  Once a week, Sean will go load up with whole chickens, ground beef, bacon, and a few dozen eggs.  Occasionally he’ll come home with pork chops, sausage, stew meat, roasts, etc… Once you start buying your meats this way, trust me—you’ll never go back.  The difference in quality is amazing.  I can hardly describe it except to say it’s REAL FOOD—not the over processed, water-filled, steroid and hormone-supplemented meat you buy at the store.

We are committed to drinking only organic milk and eating organic yogurt and cheeses, so for those things we splurge and go to Whole Foods.  Although I will say we are on the hunt for raw milk in the St. Louis area and will be switching to that shortly.  Did y’all know it’s illegal to sell raw milk in many states?  No worries though.  I have my contacts.  Plus, Sean jumps at just about any chance to stick it to the man, so he is determined we get our raw milk by any means necessary.  Okay, he won’t go to jail for it or anything, but believe me, we will have the raw milk.

As for fruits and vegetables, our church is starting a community garden, so soon we will have the benefit of eating in harmony with nature and enjoying seasonal crops of all kinds of wonderful fresh foods.

We make sure our foods don’t contain high fructose corn syrup and avoid artificial colors when possible.  Joseph is highly allergic to Red 40 (also orange and purple), so that part is pretty easy.

Emma is exclusively breast-fed, but when it is time to introduce solids, she will get the same fresh food we benefit from and not jarred baby food.  I have thoroughly enjoyed this website about making your own baby food and can’t wait to try all the yummy recipes.

There is, unfortunately, one main inconsistency in our quest to eat organically. I drink Coke. It’s loaded with all kinds of things that are unnatural and unhealthy, but God help me, I love it.

Another aspect of crunchy living is the issue of vaccines.  I really don’t want to stir the pot here, but for us, it is okay to vaccinate, but it is not okay to vaccinate just because a vaccine is available. More specifically, we follow the Dr. Sears alternative vaccination schedule , but with a few omissions.  Also, we don’t do flu shots, including H1N1.  I will post our vaccination schedule below, since it seems like people are always curious as to how that works out.

Sean has recently kicked our natural living up a notch by leaving shampoo and toothpaste behind.  Since September, he has been washing his hair with baking soda and water, and he has been brushing his teeth with hydrogen peroxide and baking soda.  He says his hair and teeth and hair have never felt cleaner, but as for me, this is where I draw a line.  I’ll give up my Crest Whitening Plus Scope and Sephora bought hair care products when you take them from my cold dead hands.

So, there you have it.  That’s how crunchy I am.  Is that very crunchy?  You’ll have to tell me. Also, there are ways I am not crunchy at all.  For example, we don’t cloth diaper…as appealing as it seems to me, I’m just not there yet.  But I do think about it, alot.  It’s so popular lately, with tons of my friends loving their Bumgenius and Fuzzi Bunz cloth diapers and all that.  So, maybe one day…

But for now, I think we do try to live as naturally as we can.  We have come a long way since we first made the decision to live in this manner, and yet I know there are even more changes we need to make and will be making in the future.

Except for that family cloth.  Just…no.

The Sawyers Delayed/Alternative Vaccination Schedule

2 months–DTaP

3 months–HIB

4 months–DTaP

5 months–HIB

6 months–DTaP

7 months–HIB

9 months–IPV

12 months–IPV

15 months–HIB

18 months–DTaP

2 years–IPV

4 years–DTaP, IPV

5 years–MMR

6 years–Varicella

To compare this with the CDC vaccination schedule, click here.

Christmas Baby

Spread the Joy

Gettin’ Giddy

Merry Christmas Y’all!

“I’m keeping my expectations low,” I always tell people, when they ask how Emma is doing.

And I don’t even mean it to be cynical.  Babies are hard work.  The unrelenting nature of it all can be overwhelming.  Thankfully, this third time around, I’ve given up thinking there’s a “right” way to do anything. Know your baby and trust your instincts—best piece of advice I ever got.

I feel like I truly know Emma, and I trust her, and she trusts me.  It’s an extremely fulfilling relationship, and I deeply regret that I didn’t have this kind of bond with my first two. I kind of blame it on the homebirth…all those natural birth hormones running amuck, making me so gooey in love with her it’s ridiculous.  And please, do not misunderstand, I LOVE my first two children. But as babies, the connection was different.  As much as I hate that sad fact, I can’t deny it.

I think that’s why I’m such a huge natural birth advocate these days.  The difference is all in the postpartum.  I can tell you that in the days following my two epidural births, I felt like I had been hit by a truck, and all I wanted to do for days and days was curl up in a ball and hide from the world.  My babies were little strangers to me, and I had to grow into my love for them.

But this time, I was on such a high for WEEKS following the birth. In many ways, I still am.  In the hard times and the dark days of babyhood, the memories of her birth are what gets me through.

(I know I promised a post about my thoughts on the homebirth…actually, I didn’t intend for this to be it, but maybe it is after all…depends on how long I continue to ramble.  Also, I am sort of working on the crunchy post, but not really, because it’s Christmas and all, and everyday is crazy and weird, and as much as I love this time of year, it’s slowly killing me.  But I will get on that crunchy post, for real.  And now I have taunted you a second time.)

Anyway, I struggle to adequately express my feelings on the homebirth.  Every time I formulate a sentence in my head, I think no…sounds too hyperbolic…no one will even believe you…and shut up anyway. You are seriously annoying people, etc.

Thankfully, this quote sums up so beautifully my thoughts on the matter.

“Many women have described their experiences of childbirth as being associated with a spiritual uplifting, the power of which they have never previously been aware … To such a woman childbirth is a monument of joy within her memory. She turns to it in thought to seek again an ecstasy which passed too soon.” ~Grantly Dick-Read

It fascinates me to no end that a man articulated my sentiments exactly.

****

It was days ago that I started this post.  And now I can’t even remember what my original intent was or why I started writing.  I am seriously jonesing for a Macbook so I can run away and write wherever and whenever I want to.

Ho Ho Ho and Merry Christmas everyone!  Not sure when I’ll be back here, though I’m soon to receive email threats from my mother to post pictures of the kids in their Christmas outfits. Don’t worry Mom, I’ll get it done.  Even if it takes me till New Years!  No one will know the difference anyway, right?

Without these fabulous products!

Yes, my Favorite Must-Have Baby Items was the most requested blog topic (in the comments, via email, and in person); however, I really only needed one person to chime in about homebirth (and there were two! thanks Meghan and Jenny!), so you can count on me going on about that for a while longer. Additionally, a few people want to know how crunchy I am, but only Emily cares about that good hair day I had.

(Emily, it goes like this: two Sundays ago I went to church and got lots of compliments about my hair.  I don’t know what I did to make it look good that particular day, but it hasn’t happened since. The end.)

So, I’ll do the crunchy post because it’s a fun topic and shows how I’ve evolved as a person and all.

And what.  No fish tacos?  Your loss people.

ANYWAY.  Baby Products Smackdown.  Let us begin.

Actually, now that I’ve compiled my list, I notice that most of these items are more for the mom. But you know what they say…happy mama happy baby. So, here we go!

(in no particular order and, even though these products come in various colors/patterns, what you see below represent what I actually own and use)

Favorite Baby Carrier

The Maya Wrap Lightly Padded Ring Sling.  Hands Down.  Well, until Emma is old enough to ride comfortably in my Ergo.  Get back to me then.  But for now, I’m all about the Maya.  I’ve bought four and given away three, for that is how much I love it.  Seriously, if you are pregnant right now or have a young baby, you really want to be my friend.  Chances are sooner or later you will wind up with some sweet swag.

What I love about the Maya is that it’s just so comfortable and easy to use.  I’ve tried other ring slings, and they just do not compare.  The design of the lightly padded shoulder, fanned-out back, hand-woven material, and hidden pocket make this sling stand out far above its competition.  And yeah, I know I posted about the Moby Wrap (which is also great!), but, it takes time to put on, and there is somewhat of a learning curve with any wrap, but with the Maya Sling, you can have your baby bundled up in seconds.  So worth it.  Get one!

Favorite Baby Skin Care Line

Ahhhh…Burt’s Bees…it’s how a baby should smell.

I use the Baby Wash and Shampoo, Buttermilk Lotion, and Diaper Ointment. I’ve heard that their Apricot Baby Oil is actually a better moisturizer than than the Buttermilk Lotion, but I have not tried that yet.

I love that the Burt’s Bees line is all natural and very gentle.  Another all natural baby line that I tried was California Baby; however, I could not get over the scent of the baby wash.  To me, it smelled exactly like the inside of an Aveda Hair Salon.  I cannot explain this, but it was so.

Favorite Swaddling Blanket

To be thorough, we experimented with several different swaddling blankets when Emma was born, including the highly lauded Miracle Blanket.  But, in the end, our Luna Lullaby Soothing Blanket won out. And, at almost three months old, Emma still goes to sleep swaddled in this blanket every night and for naps.

What makes this blanket unique are its size and material.  At 44″ x 44″ it’s quite large—larger than any swaddling blanket you’ll find at most stores.  And the fabric is 100% cotton muslin, which makes it super soft and stretchy while also being lightweight and breathable.  Bonus: it comes three in a package!  You will so love that when it’s two in the morning and your baby has just thrown up all over the one she’s wrapped up in yet desperately needs to be swaddled to sleep.  Oh yes, you will.

Favorite Diaper Caddy

Introducing, the SaraBear Basket.

For obvious reasons, you can’t always make it all the way to your baby’s room when it’s time for a changing.  More to the point, you just rarely want to, no matter how close you might be.  If you are sitting on the couch, by all means, stay on the couch!  Even more handy, have your 8 or 5 year old (sold separately) bring you the basket from whatever room it was last left in.

This diaper caddy is great for so many reasons.  The fabric is a heavyweight cotton that comes in several patterns; the basket is real wood, and the handle is a super comfy faux leather (nice, because then you don’t have to worry about it breaking).  There is a middle section where baby wipes fit perfectly and four surrounding compartments for diapers and other necessities.  Until recently, the SaraBear Diaper Caddy was only available online.  Now you can easily find it at Target and, according to the SaraBear website, also at Babies R Us, though I have not personally seen it there.

Favorite All Day Every Day Baby Outfit

Gerber Zip Front Sleep ‘n Play

There are zippers.  Enough said.

(and all cotton! and tagless! and comes in packs of three! and way cheap!)

(ZIPPERS!)

Favorite Nursing Pad

I had heard of Lily Padz before I got pregnant with Emma and thought hmmm…sounds great but probably too good to be true.  But y’all—I’m here to tell you that it IS true, and they are completely awesome. I will never use a traditional nursing pad again.  I would like to go on and on about this product, but it involves lots of talking about boobs and such.  So look, just trust me on this one.

Favorite Nursing Cover

Nevermind.  We’re talking about boobs again anyway.  So okay.  My story with nursing covers is long and tragic.  I’ve tried all kinds but have mostly ended up tossing them for a well-placed burp cloth and blanket. And then, one day, I heard about the Bebe au Lait nursing cover (formally called Hooter Hiders, and I’m not kidding about that).

What makes this nursing cover so great is one little thing: it has a flexible yet rigid neckline so you can…wait for it…SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING. SERIOUSLY, WHY DIDN’T ANYONE THINK OF THIS BEFORE.

There are many fabrics available, ranging from simple organics to funky patterns.  I have the Kensington, shown above.

Aaaand, thus ends this most requested blog entry!

If you like what you see and are local to the St. Louis area, you can go look at/try on/fiddle with just about everything here (minus the SaraBear Diaper Caddy and Gerber Sleep ‘n Plays) at the best little baby store ever, Babymoon Boutique.  I go there often, for I love it so. They sell all kinds of cool things you hear about but can’t ever find, including cloth diapering paraphernalia, for all my cloth diapering friends.

So!  What do YOU think?  What are YOUR must-have baby things?

Two questions as a result of the previous entry have amused me greatly:

1) Was that a true story?

and

2) Can we have more entries by Nikki’s Brain?

Firstly, YES that was a true story (you can ask my friend Carrie, who arrived in my driveway JUST as Sean informed that behold, in this new space age, garage door openers can now be programmed into cars; my friend Carrie, who had her very own sleepy baby, ready for a nap; and oh, the pressure to get us all inside alive was about to do me in, hence my state of  mild hysteria.)

Second, hee!  You are some FUNNY people.  Nikki’s Brain…I don’t know about. The Garage Door though is a total publicity hound and you should not encourage it.  It is not unlike Kate Gosselin, strutting about town in a miniskirt and high heels.  Maybe if we ignore them both, they will go away.

Anyway, hello!  I have many things going through my head right now, all competing to make it into this blog post.

To write about each one in detail would be tiresome, so maybe I’ll just give each topic a little preview.  You tell me which one you would like me to expound upon, and I will oblige.

Topic One: The Homebirth

Guess what!  I’m not done talking about Emma’s birth.  I still think about it every day.  It was just so hugely transformative.  But I don’t want to be annoying about it, so I’ve kept it to myself. I would looooove some permission to be annoying though because DUDE, I had a homebirth! I am sort of a rock star that way.  In my own head, at least.

Topic Two: Idolatry and the County Fair

You know how John Calvin says the heart is an idol factory?  Well, I say it’s a Whack-a-Mole game.  As soon as you thump one over the head, another one pops up.  More thoughts are swirling through my mind about this…maybe another time.

But anyway, moles! I have a little story about that. We had one at our old house.  Sean’s hatred for that furry little creature was immediate and all-consuming.  It tore up the yard and left holes everywhere. And mind you, this was just one.

So, Sean tried various ways of ridding us of the mole, but what finally led to the little guy’s demise was Sean, tracking it in the yard, with big huge gloves on, ready to grab it at first sight.  I came outside to watch the event, as it was rather humorous to me to see Sean digging into tunnels chasing a mole.  I didn’t really think he would EVER actually catch it.  I mean, who catches moles with their bare hands?

Sean does, apparently.  He grabbed that little sucker and brought it over to me, showing off his hunting prowess, and I was so proud of my little predator-husband that I indulged him and looked the mole over, and awarded Sean my praise and appreciation.

And to my surprise, the mole was kind of cute, with the crazy looking head and enormous paws. I pondered the animal’s unique characteristics until it suddenly freaked out and tried to bite Sean, so he threw it against the fence and killed it. The end!

Topic Three: In Which I Realize I am Aging at an Alarming Rate

There’s this couple Sean and I went to church with in college.  They were Waco locals and had two kids, ages seven and four.  They were older than us, and we couldn’t really relate to them much at the time, as we were only dating and not even legal.  But we loved their family and were sad when we moved away.

Anyway, now we are Facebook friends, and I just got an update that their oldest is a freshman at the very same college we went to. This kind of blew my mind.

Nikki: Sean, their seven year old is a freshman in college!

Sean: I know. You’re old!

Nikki:  But how…?  How did this happen?  They were us…and now we’re them…it’s like the circle of life is out to get me.

Sean: …yeah…

Nikki: This is why we should keep having babies. It keeps us young.

Sean:  Dumb?  Did you say it keeps us dumb?

Nikki: No!  I said young. It keeps us young…

Sean: …

Nikki: …and okay maybe dumb.

(Oh whoops!  I went and got all talky about topic three after all.  You will maybe not want to vote on that one.  I’m kind of, done with it now.)

Topics Worthy of Honorable Mention

Vaccinations

That time I had a good hair day

Exactly, how crunchy am I…

The cast of Firefly is totally messing with us all

Baby items I cannot live without, perhaps you would like to know them

Netflix, the joys of

(and, finally)

Fish tacos

The lines are open.  Let the voting begin!

[Scene: Sawyers driveway.  Daytime.  Nikki comes home early from church with baby. Baby is desperate for a nap. Nikki is desperate to take off panythose.]

Nikki’s Minivan: (pulls into driveway, stops at garage door)

Nikki’s Brain: Okay, now we just need to open the–OMG!!! Where is the garage door opener?! I don’t have a key to the house. WHERE IS THE GARAGE DOOR OPENER?!

Nikki: (searches frantically on the floorboard for elusive garage door opener)

Nikki’s Brain: Think.  Think!  You had it this morning.  Maybe it fell out of the van when you got to church.  Sigh.  Call Sean.  You’re going to have to call Sean.

Nikki: (calls Sean)

Sean: (does not answer)

Nikki: (does not want to drive back to church to look for garage door opener in church parking lot)

Baby: (is starting to freak out)

Nikki’s Brain: Okay, call the church…the number is…

Nikki’s Brain: ?

Nikki: Bulletin!  It’s in the bulletin!

Baby: (is wailing)

Very Nice Elder: Heritage Presbyterian Church!  Can I help you?

Nikki: Um, yes, um, this is Nikki Sawyers?  And I need to speak with…?

Very Nice Elder: Well hello Nikki Sawyers!

Nikki: Hi!  Hee.  Um, is Sean around?  My husband?  Sean?

Very Nice Elder: (is amused? confused?)

Nikki: (cannot tell)

Baby: (is throwing things)

Sean: Hello?  Is everything okay?

Nikki: Sean!  I don’t know what happened!  My garage door opener.  It’s gone!  I had it this morning!  But it’s gone!

Nikki: (is panicking!  is wondering if someone stole it and is waiting inside to murder her!)

Nikki: (maybe watches a little too much Criminal Minds)

Sean: …

Sean: Your garage door opener…

Nikki: Yes!

Sean: …is built into the van…remember?…look up…see?

Nikki’s Brain: (is scrambled)

Sean: (is trying hard not to laugh at wife)

Garage Door: (is mocking me)

Baby: (clearly deserves a better mother)

Nikki: (is dying)

Nikki’s Minivan: (thinks it’s smarter than me)

Nikki’s Brain: (does not argue the point)

[At long last Nikki and baby are no longer held hostage in the driveway but happily pull into the garage.  Baby is thrilled to escape the confines of her annoying carseat.  Nikki decides the world might be a safer place if she took a nap.]

FIN.

Like this one.

Look at him.  Such a man!

Except, turns out he also makes a pretty good woman.  Sean rocks at taking care of our family these days, doing grocery shopping and cooking on most nights.  I am not so much, how should I put it…back to myself yet.  Which is to say…I count it a personal victory if I shower before noon. Shoot.  If I shower AT ALL.  And you know that is a big deal for me, seriously, because showering is one of my favorite things.  That, and sleeping.  Which is also not happening much. Because the baby, she eats, and demands her food to come from only one source, if you know what I mean.  Anyway.  My point is, we finally broke down and got a Netflix subscription.

Sean chop wood.  Make fire.  Rawr.

And this guy.  He found a flower.

It was pretty.

The full effect of The Outfit, which I cannot begin to explain.  All I know is that it has something to do with Mario.

The eldest daughter.  What?  Right.  I have two now.  It’s still all so new to me.  In any case, if this were a Jane Austen novel, her appropriate title would be Miss Sawyers.  Classy!

Random branch in driveway.  No relation.

Newbie.  Big smiles these days.  Love that baby.

Love all my babies!

Well, I guess I had to know this was coming.  It sort of goes with the homeschooling, homebirthing, organic earth muffin lifestyle that we now embrace.

(This is not to imply that I’ve abandoned all things girly…like makeup and cute bags.  In fact, I never met a lip gloss or Coach purse I did not like.  And I don’t think I could really ever pull off the denim jumper look.  Or big hair.*  Though I totally rocked the high bangs in 7th grade…but I digress.)

Anyway.  This:

Babywearing.

I kind of, do that now.  A lot.

What you see here is Emma asleep in the Moby Wrap.  What you do not see is my face or body because 1) I have not yet showered and 2) am still in my pajamas.

But that’s not the wrap’s fault.  It’s mine.

I carry my baby and rock my baby and have basically trained her to totally dig me.  So, enter babywearing.**

I don’t mind it, and actually, it’s pretty handy to be able to hold her AND type AND eat AND waste time on the internet.  Additionally, I can fold clothes, vacuum, clean the kitchen, and other householdy things.  But yeah, it’s mostly just the internet.

Sean thinks I’ve spoiled her.  Duh.  Of course I have.  But come on…you readers out there whose babies are all grown up.  Do you REALLY ever sit around and regret that you held them too much?

No, I didn’t think so.

*No offense to the Duggars.  I love them!  They restore my faith in humanity after the trainwreck that are the Gosselins.

**Check out my favorite babywearing blogger, Stephanie!

I took this picture today with my phone while rocking a very sleepy yet slightly hysterical Emma. After vehemently rejecting every single pacifier I bought her, she has FINALLY accepted this one.

It is the Natursutten.  It is made of pure, natural rubber.  From the tree Hevea brasiliensi. Which makes it really fancy.  Because of the italics.

Also, this pacifier contains no allergy causing substances, no artificial colors, no chemical softeners, parabens, PVC, phthalates, and is BPA free.

It is molded into one piece, making it extremely hygienic.

And although I couldn’t find this in any of the literature, I believe the Natursutten to possess magical properties, able to soothe the fussiest child.

Oh, one more thing.  It costs almost $9.00.  PER PACIFIER.

Yep.  A girl who is able to pick out and prefer the most expensive thing in just about any situation?

That’s my daughter, for sure.

But, today is not that day.

Pictures though…I can manage that.

And yet…too tired to write.

Here, have a few pictures instead.

Emma, 3 weeks old

Little toes

Sleepy baby

Sleep…sounds good.  Nighty night all.

Truthfully, there is no way to adequately tell this story.  It’s too big, too emotional, too, too…sacred even.

Part of me wants to keep it all to myself.  But, in preparing to give birth naturally what kept me focused was reading other women’s birth stories. They inspired me, challenged me, and reminded me that if this woman could do it, then so could I.

And believe me.  If I did it, ANY OF YOU could do it.  I don’t like pain.  I don’t like being uncomfortable or sweating or having my hair messed up.  I’m just that kind of girl.

But then, I don’t know…you just make the decision to do it.  To walk through the pain and endure and come out the other side.  No other options—mind over matter.  And when you’ve taken the epidural off the table, then really, it’s okay. You cope.  You take one contraction, and then another, and then another, and then you have your baby.  And when it’s all said and done you see that it was really not so bad. That you indeed DID NOT DIE, like you once thought you surely would.

Because ultimately, no matter how far down you have to reach inside yourself to find strength, God meets you there with so much grace to overcome that you can hardly stand it.  You realize you have no strength at all, really, and that it’s all Him, and it’s a feeling of utter bliss.

Bliss!  During labor!  It’s true!

And that’s the really beautiful part…the part that makes me all weepy and spiritual and stuff. Labor was an intimate, sacred dance between me and my baby, me and my husband, and me and my Savior. I’m so thankful I experienced a natural birth. What a supreme privilege it was.

And now, the story…

I lingered in early/pre/prodromal labor for several days leading up to my due date, and I was beginning to think my body was never going to kick into active labor.  At night, the contractions would get so bad that they woke me up and kept me up for hours, but then they inevitably would fizzle out by morning, leaving me exhausted and frustrated.

On Thursday, August 27th, two days past my due date, I went to a prenatal appointment.  I was excited to get checked for dilation because I just knew my body had to be cooperating from all the contractions I’d been having.  I was sad to hear, however, that I was only 3 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced.  Dana (my midwife) offered to strip my membranes; I gladly let her. Sean and I went home and tried getting our minds off having the baby anytime soon.

That night, the contractions grew more regular and stronger.  I was hopeful that perhaps the stripping of the membranes (and a few other tricks we tried at home) were making some changes to my cervix. On Friday morning, I noticed that the contractions were still there, unlike other mornings where they would disappear.  Sean was supposed to take Shaylea to art and piano lessons that afternoon, but I told him I thought he should stay close.  Something told me that our baby would come soon.

By 4 p.m., the contractions were still regular, at 4-5 minutes apart, and getting uncomfortable at the peak.  I was unsure though, of when to call Dana, since I had just seen her the day before.  I really didn’t know if I was in labor or my body was playing tricks on me again.  At 5 p.m. I decided to call anyway and let her know what was going on.  She said it sounded like true labor but to wait and call back in an hour.

I piddled for the hour, finishing up laundry, eating a little dinner, and getting the birth supplies ready, just in case. By 6 p.m., I was still in a good labor pattern, but the contractions weren’t hurting too badly.  To me, it was confusing.  I expected to be miserable, and that’s how I would know to call. I talked to my friend Michelle, who was planning to come take pictures, and she told me not to wait too long, that one contraction might feel okay but then all of a sudden everything might change in an instant.  With that, I called Dana and told her that I was fine and that she should eat dinner first, but it was time to come.

During the wait for Dana, Linsey (the apprentice midwife), and Michelle, Sean set up the birth pool and readied the room.  The kids were so excited that they were running through the house yelling, “The baby is coming!  The baby is coming!”  My mom rubbed my back while Sean was finishing up with the pool, and by 8 p.m., my birth team arrived.

Dana took my temperature, blood pressure, and pulse, and then she checked the baby’s heartbeat and then me for dilation.  I was so nervous to hear the news and so afraid I was not really in labor. “You’re six,” she said.  My eyes almost popped out of my head.  Six—actual labor. Yay!  I knew she was staying and that this was really happening.  I was ready.

After making sure we were okay, the birth team left me and Sean to labor however we wanted. And what I wanted was to get into water. The water truly eased the intensity of the contractions. I hung out there for a while, and every now and then Dana would come in to check the baby’s heartbeat.

At one point, I started to feel pressure, and so Dana and Linsey came in to watch me for a while to observe how I was laboring.

But, I still had a ways to go, so they again left me and Sean to ourselves.

During contractions Sean would rub my back, pour water on my back, or just hold me and let me moan.

Between contractions, the pain totally disappeared.  We would joke and laugh about the birth noises I was making.  He said I sounded like Stevie Nicks.  I thought I sounded like a goat.  We were having a good time together, and I was so glad we could have fun even in labor.

Because I was getting more vocal, Dana wanted me to get out of the water to check me again.  I was at 8 centimeters, and this was around 10:00.  I was glad to have made progress, but I was terrified of what was coming: transition. I decided to get it over with as soon as possible and labor standing up, to let gravity do the work for me and bring the baby down.  Here is where my goat noises turned into full on screams.  I would bury my head into the mattress and make deep, low, loud moans. Somehow, getting the energy out made the contractions manageable.  If I were not able to make noises, I don’t know if I would have been able to cope.  I was really thankful to be at home so I could just do whatever I felt like doing.

One contraction in particular was so powerful it brought me to the floor.  Dana got down with me and wanted to check me again.  She thought I might be complete.

My friend Michelle was taking all these great pictures, but I realized during the contraction that in all of them you would just see my hair. When the contraction was over, I asked her to take one of me smiling, to prove I was, in fact, normal between contractions and had a face and all.

See?  Almost 10 centimeters and smiling!

Not for long though.  Sean had to come hold me through a series of very intense contractions.

Dana checked me soon after and said I still had an anterior lip of the cervix in the way.  My options were to push against it, risking swelling to the cervix (no thank you), popping the lip out of the way (sounds painful…again, no thank you), or to keep laboring back in the water for a while and hope that it melts away.

I got in the water for a while.  I don’t know how long because it was at this point that time began to have no meaning whatsoever.  They call it “Laborland,” and I was glad to be there.  Being a little out of it helps sometimes, you know?  But I kept having the urge to push, and I was getting annoyed of being in the water and just dealing with the contractions.  I wanted to DO something.

Dana said it wasn’t time, and she suggested I get out and lay on my left side to help the cervix open up completely.

Okay, so here is where I did the hardest work of all.  Dana told me to pant through the contractions so that my body would give all its energy to opening up the cervix the last little bit. I don’t know how long I laid there, but it seemed like it would never end.  The contractions at this point were so strong and powerful.  Further, I didn’t really know what she meant by “panting” through a contraction, so all I knew to do was reach back into the year 2000 when Sean and I took a Lamaze class and learned how to hee hee hoo and just do that. Funny thing—it totally helped!  After I would pant through a contraction, Dana would tell me to take a deep cleansing breath and rest.  I would, and then the next contraction would come, and we would do the whole routine over again.

I truly don’t remember much about this time.  I know Linsey was next to me rubbing my back, Dana was at my feet, and Sean was right by my side.  I was, at times, hanging on to him for dear life, it seemed.

Finally, Dana checked me again and said that there was still cervix and that the water bag was in the way.  When she checked me a contraction hit and I was overcome with the urge to push.  I pushed involuntarily and then apologized profusely for doing so.  I was still so out of it—I had no idea what was going on, really.  I just knew I was supposed to be panting, and I couldn’t do it anymore. Dana and Linsey comforted me that I was okay and hadn’t done anything wrong. Dana knew the baby was ready to be born, and so she swiftly moved the last little bit of cervix out of the way and at the same time broke the water bag with her finger. Almost immediately, the baby’s head began to crown.

At that point, there was no stopping the urge to push.  It was an overwhelming, sheer surge of power running through my body.

Sean helped me stay in position to let the baby out, and I pushed with all my strength.  No more goat noises or loud moans.  My pushing sound was this deep, low, guttural, mighty war cry. Sean said it was otherworldly.  All I know is that it was a sound I had never before heard myself make and even today could not replicate if I tried.  Pushing, by the way, did not hurt.  It was all energy…I don’t know how else to explain it.  I was aware of feeling the baby come out, but not even that much.  I had to ask Linsey when the head was out because I didn’t know.  Everyone was cheering me on, but I wasn’t sure how hard to push or if I should try to stop.  Thankfully, the body kind of goes on autopilot and takes care of those things for you.  I think I was just hung up on remembering hospital, doctor directed, epidural pushing.  Just, so not the same!

I only pushed a few times, and soon I was reaching for my baby.  I told everyone in the room not to tell me what it was, in case they saw before me.  I couldn’t see between the legs very well, but I felt around and felt…well, nothing, so I said it was a girl!  Sean double-checked just to be sure and confirmed.

Such a feeling of relief to have her out! I asked what time she had been born, and when Linsey said it was 1:30 a.m., I absolutely could not believe it.  How did almost 4 hours go by so fast?! That’s Laborland for you…

My mom and Shaylea came in right when the head was crowning.  Shaylea was so happy to see the baby being born.

Admiring our little girl while waiting for the cord to stop pulsating.

Eventually, Daddy cut the cord.

Freedom!  Sean took Emma to meet her new family while I delivered the placenta and got sutured from a little tearing.

Sweet sisters!

Daddy is in love.

The next morning Joseph got up early to meet his baby sister.  He was quite smitten!

Welcome to our family, precious Emma Catherine!

And somewhere to go!

Today we are all getting out of the house for the first time as a family of FIVE. It’s only grocery shopping, but hey—I am happy to have an excuse to put Emma in a cute outfit and show her off a little.

Also, I know many of you are anxiously waiting for the birth story.  It’s coming—I promise!  Just stay tuned.

Here’s our little princess!

After her bath…just chillin’.

After a sneeze…so cute!

Emma Catherine Sawyers, born at home on August 29th at 1:30 am.

8lbs 4oz and 19.5 inches long

To inform you that we are the most ridiculously insane people on the planet trying to move 5 days before my due date.

And also: I will be without internet for a few days.

So…

Stay tuned for baby news!  I’ll post as soon as I can.

And completely devastated that they are moving in December!

Take this entry as a wee little tribute to them…

A few weeks ago when I could still waddle fast enough through a park and still limber enough to get up and down off the grass, I had the wonderful privilege of taking family photos for the Lovealls.  I always get nervous about doing a good job for them, but I swear, they are just really photogenic people.  They make it SO easy!

And, as usual, they took tons of good pictures, but here are a few of my favorites:

Thanks Lovealls for a great time…and thanks for feeding me ice cream after too!

To make him be still for pictures.

It’s not the prettiest shot.

And I realize he’s not smiling.

Hmmm….close enough?

Aw, who cares anyway…let’s eat those cookies!

No baby yet!  Obviously.

I have 2 more weeks left, theoretically.  Sadly, I only have one shirt that adequately fits (this blue one is not it, by the way…hence, the bare belly shot, because when I tried to take the picture with my shirt in place, it kept rising up to reveal my pants, which are always falling down…and this is why I walk around most days in a mu-mu; please don’t judge me).

I really hate this part of pregnancy, fashion-wise.  I can’t justify going out and buying bigger clothes since it could be over with ANY DAY NOW.  Or, the baby might not come for 4 more weeks. Whoa. That’s a painful sentence to type out right there.

Anyway, fun story: I spent most of yesterday thinking I might be starting labor since I was having lots of contractions and going to the bathroom alot (not as in, baby is pressing on my bladder alot…the other thing, you know, don’t make me say it).  Plus, I just felt weird and emotional.  You probably won’t find “weird and emotional” as a textbook sign that labor is starting, but my girlfriends tell me it totally happens.

But then today my bubble was busted when the kids also came down with tummy troubles and Shaylea said she just felt like crying for no reason.  So I was all, “Well, crap.”  Must have been something we ate.

Did you know you can buy Sonic ice in a bag?  This has been the highlight of my summer.  I just felt like sharing that piece of useless information all of a sudden.

Prenatal appointment with the midwife this Thursday!  Ooooh, best part is now she comes to my house for the check-ups.  Love this!  I think I’ll get examined for dilation this time.  Shall I keep you posted or is that TMI or did I cross that line a long time ago anyway…?

Well, I guess it won’t matter much after I publish the birth story.  If you’re curious to know how it all turns out but also squeamish, just ask Sean how he gets his eyes to glaze over anytime I say the word “placenta” yet still manages to hear everything I say.  Really, it’s quite impressive.