A Thin and Shallow Light

Without these fabulous products!

Yes, my Favorite Must-Have Baby Items was the most requested blog topic (in the comments, via email, and in person); however, I really only needed one person to chime in about homebirth (and there were two! thanks Meghan and Jenny!), so you can count on me going on about that for a while longer.  Additionally, a few people want to know how crunchy I am, but only Emily cares about that good hair day I had.

(Emily, it goes like this: two Sundays ago I went to church and got lots of compliments about my hair.  I don’t know what I did to make it look good that particular day, but it hasn’t happened since. The end.)

So, I’ll do the crunchy post because it’s a fun topic and shows how I’ve evolved as a person and all.

And what.  No fish tacos?  Your loss people.

ANYWAY.  Baby Products Smackdown.  Let us begin.

Actually, now that I’ve compiled my list, I notice that most of these items are more for the mom. But you know what they say…happy mama happy baby.  So, here we go!

(in no particular order and, even though these products come in various colors/patterns, what you see below represent what I actually own and use)

Favorite Baby Carrier

The Maya Wrap Lightly Padded Ring Sling.  Hands Down.  Well, until Emma is old enough to ride comfortably in my Ergo.  Get back to me then.  But for now, I’m all about the Maya.  I’ve bought four and given away three, for that is how much I love it.  Seriously, if you are pregnant right now or have a young baby, you really want to be my friend.  Chances are sooner or later you will wind up with some sweet swag.

What I love about the Maya is that it’s just so comfortable and easy to use.  I’ve tried other ring slings, and they just do not compare.  The design of the lightly padded shoulder, fanned-out back, hand-woven material, and hidden pocket make this sling stand out far above its competition.  And yeah, I know I posted about the Moby Wrap (which is also great!), but, it takes time to put on, and there is somewhat of a learning curve with any wrap, but with the Maya Sling, you can have your baby bundled up in seconds.  So worth it.  Get one!

Favorite Baby Skin Care Line

Ahhhh…Burt’s Bees…it’s how a baby should smell.

I use the Baby Wash and Shampoo, Buttermilk Lotion, and Diaper Ointment.  I’ve heard that their Apricot Baby Oil is actually a better moisturizer than than the Buttermilk Lotion, but I have not tried that yet.

I love that the Burt’s Bees line is all natural and very gentle.  Another all natural baby line that I tried was California Baby; however, I could not get over the scent of the baby wash.  To me, it smelled exactly like the inside of an Aveda Hair Salon.  I cannot explain this, but it was so.

Favorite Swaddling Blanket

To be thorough, we experimented with several different swaddling blankets when Emma was born, including the highly lauded Miracle Blanket.  But, in the end, our Luna Lullaby Soothing Blanket won out. And, at almost three months old, Emma still goes to sleep swaddled in this blanket every night and for naps.

What makes this blanket unique are its size and material.  At 44″ x 44″ it’s quite large—larger than any swaddling blanket you’ll find at most stores.  And the fabric is 100% cotton muslin, which makes it super soft and stretchy while also being lightweight and breathable.  Bonus: it comes three in a package!  You will so love that when it’s two in the morning and your baby has just thrown up all over the one she’s wrapped up in yet desperately needs to be swaddled to sleep.  Oh yes, you will.

Favorite Diaper Caddy

Introducing, the SaraBear Basket.

For obvious reasons, you can’t always make it all the way to your baby’s room when it’s time for a changing.  More to the point, you just rarely want to, no matter how close you might be.  If you are sitting on the couch, by all means, stay on the couch!  Even more handy, have your 8 or 5 year old (sold separately) bring you the basket from whatever room it was last left in.

This diaper caddy is great for so many reasons.  The fabric is a heavyweight cotton that comes in several patterns; the basket is real wood, and the handle is a super comfy faux leather (nice, because then you don’t have to worry about it breaking).  There is a middle section where baby wipes fit perfectly and four surrounding compartments for diapers and other necessities.  Until recently, the SaraBear Diaper Caddy was only available online.  Now you can easily find it at Target and, according to the SaraBear website, also at Babies R Us, though I have not personally seen it there.

Favorite All Day Every Day Baby Outfit

Gerber Zip Front Sleep ‘n Play

There are zippers.  Enough said.

(and all cotton! and tagless! and comes in packs of three! and way cheap!)

(ZIPPERS!)

Favorite Nursing Pad

I had heard of Lily Padz before I got pregnant with Emma and thought hmmm…sounds great but probably too good to be true.  But y’all—I’m here to tell you that it IS true, and they are completely awesome. I will never use a traditional nursing pad again.  I would like to go on and on about this product, but it involves lots of talking about boobs and such.  So look, just trust me on this one.

Favorite Nursing Cover

Nevermind.  We’re talking about boobs again anyway.  So okay.  My story with nursing covers is long and tragic.  I’ve tried all kinds but have mostly ended up tossing them for a well-placed burp cloth and blanket.  And then, one day, I heard about the Bebe au Lait nursing cover (formally called Hooter Hiders, and I’m not kidding about that).

What makes this nursing cover so great is one little thing: it has a flexible yet rigid neckline so you can…wait for it…SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING. SERIOUSLY, WHY DIDN’T ANYONE THINK OF THIS BEFORE.

There are many fabrics available, ranging from simple organics to funky patterns.  I have the Kensington, shown above.

Aaaand, thus ends this most requested blog entry!

If you like what you see and are local to the St. Louis area, you can go look at/try on/fiddle with just about everything here (minus the SaraBear Diaper Caddy and Gerber Sleep ‘n Plays) at the best little baby store ever, Babymoon Boutique.  I go there often, for I love it so. They sell all kinds of cool things you hear about but can’t ever find, including cloth diapering paraphernalia, for all my cloth diapering friends.

So!  What do YOU think?  What are YOUR must-have baby things?

Two questions as a result of the previous entry have amused me greatly:

1) Was that a true story?

and

2) Can we have more entries by Nikki’s Brain?

Firstly, YES that was a true story (you can ask my friend Carrie, who arrived in my driveway JUST as Sean informed that behold, in this new space age, garage door openers can now be programmed into cars; my friend Carrie, who had her very own sleepy baby, ready for a nap; and oh, the pressure to get us all inside alive was about to do me in, hence my state of  mild hysteria.)

Second, hee!  You are some FUNNY people.  Nikki’s Brain…I don’t know about.  The Garage Door though is a total publicity hound and you should not encourage it.  It is not unlike Kate Gosselin, strutting about town in a miniskirt and high heels.  Maybe if we ignore them both, they will go away.

Anyway, hello!  I have many things going through my head right now, all competing to make it into this blog post.

To write about each one in detail would be tiresome, so maybe I’ll just give each topic a little preview.  You tell me which one you would like me to expound upon, and I will oblige.

Topic One: The Homebirth

Guess what!  I’m not done talking about Emma’s birth.  I still think about it every day.  It was just so hugely transformative.  But I don’t want to be annoying about it, so I’ve kept it to myself. I would looooove some permission to be annoying though because DUDE, I had a homebirth! I am sort of a rock star that way.  In my own head, at least.

Topic Two: Idolatry and the County Fair

You know how John Calvin says the heart is an idol factory?  Well, I say it’s a Whack-a-Mole game.  As soon as you thump one over the head, another one pops up.  More thoughts are swirling through my mind about this…maybe another time.

But anyway, moles! I have a little story about that. We had one at our old house.  Sean’s hatred for that furry little creature was immediate and all-consuming.  It tore up the yard and left holes everywhere. And mind you, this was just one.

So, Sean tried various ways of ridding us of the mole, but what finally led to the little guy’s demise was Sean, tracking it in the yard, with big huge gloves on, ready to grab it at first sight.  I came outside to watch the event, as it was rather humorous to me to see Sean digging into tunnels chasing a mole.  I didn’t really think he would EVER actually catch it.  I mean, who catches moles with their bare hands?

Sean does, apparently.  He grabbed that little sucker and brought it over to me, showing off his hunting prowess, and I was so proud of my little predator-husband that I indulged him and looked the mole over, and awarded Sean my praise and appreciation.

And to my surprise, the mole was kind of cute, with the crazy looking head and enormous paws. I pondered the animal’s unique characteristics until it suddenly freaked out and tried to bite Sean, so he threw it against the fence and killed it.  The end!

Topic Three: In Which I Realize I am Aging at an Alarming Rate

There’s this couple Sean and I went to church with in college.  They were Waco locals and had two kids, ages seven and four.  They were older than us, and we couldn’t really relate to them much at the time, as we were only dating and not even legal.  But we loved their family and were sad when we moved away.

Anyway, now we are Facebook friends, and I just got an update that their oldest is a freshman at the very same college we went to. This kind of blew my mind.

Nikki: Sean, their seven year old is a freshman in college!

Sean: I know. You’re old!

Nikki:  But how…?  How did this happen?  They were us…and now we’re them…it’s like the circle of life is out to get me.

Sean: …yeah…

Nikki: This is why we should keep having babies. It keeps us young.

Sean:  Dumb?  Did you say it keeps us dumb?

Nikki: No!  I said young. It keeps us young…

Sean: …

Nikki: …and okay maybe dumb.

(Oh whoops!  I went and got all talky about topic three after all.  You will maybe not want to vote on that one.  I’m kind of, done with it now.)

Topics Worthy of Honorable Mention

Vaccinations

That time I had a good hair day

Exactly, how crunchy am I…

The cast of Firefly is totally messing with us all

Baby items I cannot live without, perhaps you would like to know them

Netflix, the joys of

(and, finally)

Fish tacos

The lines are open.  Let the voting begin!

[Scene: Sawyers driveway.  Daytime.  Nikki comes home early from church with baby. Baby is desperate for a nap. Nikki is desperate to take off panythose.]

Nikki’s Minivan: (pulls into driveway, stops at garage door)

Nikki’s Brain: Okay, now we just need to open the–OMG!!! Where is the garage door opener?! I don’t have a key to the house. WHERE IS THE GARAGE DOOR OPENER?!

Nikki: (searches frantically on the floorboard for elusive garage door opener)

Nikki’s Brain: Think.  Think!  You had it this morning.  Maybe it fell out of the van when you got to church.  Sigh.  Call Sean.  You’re going to have to call Sean.

Nikki: (calls Sean)

Sean: (does not answer)

Nikki: (does not want to drive back to church to look for garage door opener in church parking lot)

Baby: (is starting to freak out)

Nikki’s Brain: Okay, call the church…the number is…

Nikki’s Brain: ?

Nikki: Bulletin!  It’s in the bulletin!

Baby: (is wailing)

Very Nice Elder: Heritage Presbyterian Church!  Can I help you?

Nikki: Um, yes, um, this is Nikki Sawyers?  And I need to speak with…?

Very Nice Elder: Well hello Nikki Sawyers!

Nikki: Hi!  Hee.  Um, is Sean around?  My husband?  Sean?

Very Nice Elder: (is amused? confused?)

Nikki: (cannot tell)

Baby: (is throwing things)

Sean: Hello?  Is everything okay?

Nikki: Sean!  I don’t know what happened!  My garage door opener.  It’s gone!  I had it this morning!  But it’s gone!

Nikki: (is panicking!  is wondering if someone stole it and is waiting inside to murder her!)

Nikki: (maybe watches a little too much Criminal Minds)

Sean: …

Sean: Your garage door opener…

Nikki: Yes!

Sean: …is built into the van..remember?…look up…see?

Nikki’s Brain: (is scrambled)

Sean: (is trying hard not to laugh at wife)

Garage Door: (is mocking me)

Baby: (clearly deserves a better mother)

Nikki: (is dying)

Nikki’s Minivan: (thinks it’s smarter than me)

Nikki’s Brain: (does not argue the point)

[At long last Nikki and baby are no longer held hostage in the driveway but happily pull into the garage.  Baby is thrilled to escape the confines of her annoying carseat.  Nikki decides the world might be a safer place if she took a nap.]

FIN.

Like this one.

Look at him.  Such a man!

Except, turns out he also makes a pretty good woman.  Sean rocks at taking care of our family these days, doing grocery shopping and cooking on most nights.  I am not so much, how should I put it…back to myself yet.  Which is to say…I count it a personal victory if I shower before noon. Shoot.  If I shower AT ALL.  And you know that is a big deal for me, seriously, because showering is one of my favorite things.  That, and sleeping.  Which is also not happening much. Because the baby, she eats, and demands her food to come from only one source, if you know what I mean.  Anyway.  My point is, we finally broke down and got a Netflix subscription.

Sean chop wood.  Make fire.  Rawr.

And this guy.  He found a flower.

It was pretty.

The full effect of The Outfit, which I cannot begin to explain.  All I know is that it has something to do with Mario.

The eldest daughter.  What?  Right.  I have two now.  It’s still all so new to me.  In any case, if this were a Jane Austen novel, her appropriate title would be Miss Sawyers.  Classy!

Random branch in driveway.  No relation.

Newbie.  Big smiles these days.  Love that baby.

Love all my babies!

Well, I guess I had to know this was coming.  It sort of goes with the homeschooling, homebirthing, organic earth muffin lifestyle that we now embrace.

(This is not to imply that I’ve abandoned all things girly…like makeup and cute bags.  In fact, I never met a lip gloss or Coach purse I did not like.  And I don’t think I could really ever pull off the denim jumper look.  Or big hair.*  Though I totally rocked the high bangs in 7th grade…but I digress.)

Anyway.  This:

Babywearing.

I kind of, do that now.  A lot.

What you see here is Emma asleep in the Moby Wrap.  What you do not see is my face or body because 1) I have not yet showered and 2) am still in my pajamas.

But that’s not the wrap’s fault.  It’s mine.

I carry my baby and rock my baby and have basically trained her to totally dig me.  So, enter babywearing.**

I don’t mind it, and actually, it’s pretty handy to be able to hold her AND type AND eat AND waste time on the internet.  Additionally, I can fold clothes, vacuum, clean the kitchen, and other householdy things.  But yeah, it’s mostly just the internet.

Sean thinks I’ve spoiled her.  Duh.  Of course I have.  But come on…you readers out there whose babies are all grown up.  Do you REALLY ever sit around and regret that you held them too much?

No, I didn’t think so.

*No offense to the Duggars.  I love them!  They restore my faith in humanity after the trainwreck that are the Gosselins.

**Check out my favorite babywearing blogger, Stephanie!

I took this picture today with my phone while rocking a very sleepy yet slightly hysterical Emma. After vehemently rejecting every single pacifier I bought her, she has FINALLY accepted this one.

It is the Natursutten.  It is made of pure, natural rubber.  From the tree Hevea brasiliensi. Which makes it really fancy.  Because of the italics.

Also, this pacifier contains no allergy causing substances, no artificial colors, no chemical softeners, parabens, PVC, phthalates, and is BPA free.

It is molded into one piece, making it extremely hygienic.

And although I couldn’t find this in any of the literature, I believe the Natursutten to possess magical properties, able to soothe the fussiest child.

Oh, one more thing.  It costs almost $9.00.  PER PACIFIER.

Yep.  A girl who is able to pick out and prefer the most expensive thing in just about any situation?

That’s my daughter, for sure.

But, today is not that day.

Pictures though…I can manage that.

And yet…too tired to write.

Here, have a few pictures instead.

Emma, 3 weeks old

Little toes

Sleepy baby

Sleep…sounds good.  Nighty night all.

Truthfully, there is no way to adequately tell this story.  It’s too big, too emotional, too, too…sacred even.

Part of me wants to keep it all to myself.  But, in preparing to give birth naturally what kept me focused was reading other women’s birth stories. They inspired me, challenged me, and reminded me that if this woman could do it, then so could I.

And believe me.  If I did it, ANY OF YOU could do it.  I don’t like pain.  I don’t like being uncomfortable or sweating or having my hair messed up.  I’m just that kind of girl.

But then, I don’t know…you just make the decision to do it.  To walk through the pain and endure and come out the other side.  No other options—mind over matter.  And when you’ve taken the epidural off the table, then really, it’s okay.  You cope.  You take one contraction, and then another, and then another, and then you have your baby.  And when it’s all said and done you see that it was really not so bad. That you indeed DID NOT DIE, like you once thought you surely would.

Because ultimately, no matter how far down you have to reach inside yourself to find strength, God meets you there with so much grace to overcome that you can hardly stand it.  You realize you have no strength at all, really, and that it’s all Him, and it’s a feeling of utter bliss.

Bliss!  During labor!  It’s true!

And that’s the really beautiful part…the part that makes me all weepy and spiritual and stuff. Labor was an intimate, sacred dance between me and my baby, me and my husband, and me and my Savior. I’m so thankful I experienced a natural birth. What a supreme privilege it was.

And now, the story…

I lingered in early/pre/prodromal labor for several days leading up to my due date, and I was beginning to think my body was never going to kick into active labor.  At night, the contractions would get so bad that they woke me up and kept me up for hours, but then they inevitably would fizzle out by morning, leaving me exhausted and frustrated.

On Thursday, August 27th, two days past my due date, I went to a prenatal appointment.  I was excited to get checked for dilation because I just knew my body had to be cooperating from all the contractions I’d been having.  I was sad to hear, however, that I was only 3 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced.  Dana (my midwife) offered to strip my membranes; I gladly let her. Sean and I went home and tried getting our minds off having the baby anytime soon.

That night, the contractions grew more regular and stronger.  I was hopeful that perhaps the stripping of the membranes (and a few other tricks we tried at home) were making some changes to my cervix. On Friday morning, I noticed that the contractions were still there, unlike other mornings where they would disappear.  Sean was supposed to take Shaylea to art and piano lessons that afternoon, but I told him I thought he should stay close.  Something told me that our baby would come soon.

By 4 p.m., the contractions were still regular, at 4-5 minutes apart, and getting uncomfortable at the peak.  I was unsure though, of when to call Dana, since I had just seen her the day before.  I really didn’t know if I was in labor or my body was playing tricks on me again.  At 5 p.m. I decided to call anyway and let her know what was going on.  She said it sounded like true labor but to wait and call back in an hour.

I piddled for the hour, finishing up laundry, eating a little dinner, and getting the birth supplies ready, just in case. By 6 p.m., I was still in a good labor pattern, but the contractions weren’t hurting too badly.  To me, it was confusing.  I expected to be miserable, and that’s how I would know to call. I talked to my friend Michelle, who was planning to come take pictures, and she told me not to wait too long, that one contraction might feel okay but then all of a sudden everything might change in an instant.  With that, I called Dana and told her that I was fine and that she should eat dinner first, but it was time to come.

During the wait for Dana, Linsey (the apprentice midwife), and Michelle, Sean set up the birth pool and readied the room.  The kids were so excited that they were running through the house yelling, “The baby is coming!  The baby is coming!”  My mom rubbed my back while Sean was finishing up with the pool, and by 8 p.m., my birth team arrived.

Dana took my temperature, blood pressure, and pulse, and then she checked the baby’s heartbeat and then me for dilation.  I was so nervous to hear the news and so afraid I was not really in labor. “You’re six,” she said.  My eyes almost popped out of my head.  Six—actual labor. Yay!  I knew she was staying and that this was really happening.  I was ready.

After making sure we were okay, the birth team left me and Sean to labor however we wanted. And what I wanted was to get into water. The water truly eased the intensity of the contractions. I hung out there for a while, and every now and then Dana would come in to check the baby’s heartbeat.

At one point, I started to feel pressure, and so Dana and Linsey came in to watch me for a while to observe how I was laboring.

But, I still had a ways to go, so they again left me and Sean to ourselves.

During contractions Sean would rub my back, pour water on my back, or just hold me and let me moan.

Between contractions, the pain totally disappeared.  We would joke and laugh about the birth noises I was making.  He said I sounded like Stevie Nicks.  I thought I sounded like a goat.  We were having a good time together, and I was so glad we could have fun even in labor.

Because I was getting more vocal, Dana wanted me to get out of the water to check me again.  I was at 8 centimeters, and this was around 10:00.  I was glad to have made progress, but I was terrified of what was coming: transition.  I decided to get it over with as soon as possible and labor standing up, to let gravity do the work for me and bring the baby down.  Here is where my goat noises turned into full on screams.  I would bury my head into the mattress and make deep, low, loud moans. Somehow, getting the energy out made the contractions manageable.  If I were not able to make noises, I don’t know if I would have been able to cope.  I was really thankful to be at home so I could just do whatever I felt like doing.

One contraction in particular was so powerful it brought me to the floor.  Dana got down with me and wanted to check me again.  She thought I might be complete.

My friend Michelle was taking all these great pictures, but I realized during the contraction that in all of them you would just see my hair. When the contraction was over, I asked her to take one of me smiling, to prove I was, in fact, normal between contractions and had a face and all.

See?  Almost 10 centimeters and smiling!

Not for long though.  Sean had to come hold me through a series of very intense contractions.

Dana checked me soon after and said I still had an anterior lip of the cervix in the way.  My options were to push against it, risking swelling to the cervix (no thank you), popping the lip out of the way (sounds painful…again, no thank you), or to keep laboring back in the water for a while and hope that it melts away.

I got in the water for a while.  I don’t know how long because it was at this point that time began to have no meaning whatsoever.  They call it “Laborland,” and I was glad to be there.  Being a little out of it helps sometimes, you know?  But I kept having the urge to push, and I was getting annoyed of being in the water and just dealing with the contractions.  I wanted to DO something.

Dana said it wasn’t time, and she suggested I get out and lay on my left side to help the cervix open up completely.

Okay, so here is where I did the hardest work of all.  Dana told me to pant through the contractions so that my body would give all its energy to opening up the cervix the last little bit. I don’t know how long I laid there, but it seemed like it would never end.  The contractions at this point were so strong and powerful.  Further, I didn’t really know what she meant by “panting” through a contraction, so all I knew to do was reach back into the year 2000 when Sean and I took a Lamaze class and learned how to hee hee hoo and just do that. Funny thing—it totally helped!  After I would pant through a contraction, Dana would tell me to take a deep cleansing breath and rest.  I would, and then the next contraction would come, and we would do the whole routine over again.

I truly don’t remember much about this time.  I know Linsey was next to me rubbing my back, Dana was at my feet, and Sean was right by my side.  I was, at times, hanging on to him for dear life, it seemed.

Finally, Dana checked me again and said that there was still cervix and that the water bag was in the way.  When she checked me a contraction hit and I was overcome with the urge to push.  I pushed involuntarily and then apologized profusely for doing so.  I was still so out of it—I had no idea what was going on, really.  I just knew I was supposed to be panting, and I couldn’t do it anymore.  Dana and Linsey comforted me that I was okay and hadn’t done anything wrong. Dana knew the baby was ready to be born, and so she swiftly moved the last little bit of cervix out of the way and at the same time broke the water bag with her finger. Almost immediately, the baby’s head began to crown.

At that point, there was no stopping the urge to push.  It was an overwhelming, sheer surge of power running through my body.

Sean helped me stay in position to let the baby out, and I pushed with all my strength.  No more goat noises or loud moans.  My pushing sound was this deep, low, guttural, mighty war cry. Sean said it was otherworldly.  All I know is that it was a sound I had never before heard myself make and even today could not replicate if I tried.  Pushing, by the way, did not hurt.  It was all energy…I don’t know how else to explain it.  I was aware of feeling the baby come out, but not even that much.  I had to ask Linsey when the head was out because I didn’t know.  Everyone was cheering me on, but I wasn’t sure how hard to push or if I should try to stop.  Thankfully, the body kind of goes on autopilot and takes care of those things for you.  I think I was just hung up on remembering hospital, doctor directed, epidural pushing.  Just, so not the same!

I only pushed a few times, and soon I was reaching for my baby.  I told everyone in the room not to tell me what it was, in case they saw before me.  I couldn’t see between the legs very well, but I felt around and felt…well, nothing, so I said it was a girl!  Sean double-checked just to be sure and confirmed.

Such a feeling of relief to have her out! I asked what time she had been born, and when Linsey said it was 1:30 a.m., I absolutely could not believe it.  How did almost 4 hours go by so fast?! That’s Laborland for you…

My mom and Shaylea came in right when the head was crowning.  Shaylea was so happy to see the baby being born.

Admiring our little girl while waiting for the cord to stop pulsating.

Eventually, Daddy cut the cord.

Freedom!  Sean took Emma to meet her new family while I delivered the placenta and got sutured from a little tearing.

Sweet sisters!

Daddy is in love.

The next morning Joseph got up early to meet his baby sister.  He was quite smitten!

Welcome to our family, precious Emma Catherine!

And somewhere to go!

Today we are all getting out of the house for the first time as a family of FIVE.  It’s only grocery shopping, but hey—I am happy to have an excuse to put Emma in a cute outfit and show her off a little.

Also, I know many of you are anxiously waiting for the birth story.  It’s coming—I promise!  Just stay tuned.

Here’s our little princess!

After her bath…just chillin’.

After a sneeze…so cute!

Emma Catherine Sawyers, born at home on August 29th at 1:30 am.

8lbs 4oz and 19.5 inches long

To inform you that we are the most ridiculously insane people on the planet trying to move 5 days before my due date.

And also: I will be without internet for a few days.

So…

Stay tuned for baby news!  I’ll post as soon as I can.

And completely devastated that they are moving in December!

Take this entry as a wee little tribute to them…

A few weeks ago when I could still waddle fast enough through a park and still limber enough to get up and down off the grass, I had the wonderful privilege of taking family photos for the Lovealls.  I always get nervous about doing a good job for them, but I swear, they are just really photogenic people.  They make it SO easy!

And, as usual, they took tons of good pictures, but here are a few of my favorites:

Thanks Lovealls for a great time…and thanks for feeding me ice cream after too!

To make him be still for pictures.

It’s not the prettiest shot.

And I realize he’s not smiling.

Hmmm….close enough?

Aw, who cares anyway…let’s eat those cookies!

No baby yet!  Obviously.

I have 2 more weeks left, theoretically.  Sadly, I only have one shirt that adequately fits (this blue one is not it, by the way…hence, the bare belly shot, because when I tried to take the picture with my shirt in place, it kept rising up to reveal my pants, which are always falling down…and this is why I walk around most days in a mu-mu; please don’t judge me).

I really hate this part of pregnancy, fashion-wise.  I can’t justify going out and buying bigger clothes since it could be over with ANY DAY NOW.  Or, the baby might not come for 4 more weeks. Whoa. That’s a painful sentence to type out right there.

Anyway, fun story: I spent most of yesterday thinking I might be starting labor since I was having lots of contractions and going to the bathroom alot (not as in, baby is pressing on my bladder alot…the other thing, you know, don’t make me say it).  Plus, I just felt weird and emotional.  You probably won’t find “weird and emotional” as a textbook sign that labor is starting, but my girlfriends tell me it totally happens.

But then today my bubble was busted when the kids also came down with tummy troubles and Shaylea said she just felt like crying for no reason.  So I was all, “Well, crap.”  Must have been something we ate.

Did you know you can buy Sonic ice in a bag?  This has been the highlight of my summer.  I just felt like sharing that piece of useless information all of a sudden.

Prenatal appointment with the midwife this Thursday!  Ooooh, best part is now she comes to my house for the check-ups.  Love this!  I think I’ll get examined for dilation this time.  Shall I keep you posted or is that TMI or did I cross that line a long time ago anyway…?

Well, I guess it won’t matter much after I publish the birth story.  If you’re curious to know how it all turns out but also squeamish, just ask Sean how he gets his eyes to glaze over anytime I say the word “placenta” yet still manages to hear everything I say.  Really, it’s quite impressive.

Once upon a time, Sean and I were the types of people who thought epidurals were a gift from God (Seriously Lamaze?  Breathing…that’s all you got?  BREATHING?!?  Please.) and anyone who had a homebirth was a nut (okay, it was probably more like selfish freak reckless hippie, you know, if I’m being honest).

Those beliefs were largely based on our assumption that maternity care in the United States was top notch, the best you can get, the gold standard.  We didn’t do any research about childbirth in hospitals when we got pregnant with our first, being led to believe that labor, after all, is a medical crisis waiting to happen, so of course you go to a hospital to have a baby…of course you follow doctors orders…of course the medical community has our best interest at heart.

And even after we had Joseph, when we no longer had first baby ignorance to blame for our poor choices, we continued to support the medical model of care because…what else is there anyway?

But then, last May I got to attend a friend’s birth, a birth that began beautifully but thanks to interventions and a lazy doctor led to an unnecessary C-section.  Something about being an objective party watching her fall helplessly into the system opened my eyes for the first time and motivated me to ask questions.

So, not knowing where to begin, I went to the library and checked out 3 books: Misconceptions: Truth, Lies, and the Unexpected on the Journey to Motherhood by Naomi Wolf; Pushed: The Painful Truth about Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care by Jennifer Block; and Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife by Peggy Vincent.

I’ve never devoured books so fast in my life.  I was riveted by every page, horrified by what I did not know, indignant that women are not given the full truth and options in childbirth, especially when all we hear about on one particular women’s issue is “choice.”  But on the issue of maternity care?  It’s basically—shut up and get in line; we know what’s best for you; you don’t really know how to birth this baby anyway; you need us…

So, that was May and June of 2008.  All these thoughts swirling in my head.  And since we were still trying to have a baby, the subject was not theoretical to me on any level.  If I were to get pregnant, I needed to have a plan.

One day in early July I met the cutest little pregnant mama at our neighborhood pool.  We talked about many things, and then finally I asked her what her birth plans were.  Without hesitating she said,”We’re having our second homebirth with a midwife.”  I told her how I admired her decision, how I had been learning about midwifery and often thought of homebirth but didn’t feel brave enough to try.  She laughed and said, “Brave is going to the hospital!”

Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant.  The first thought in my head was how I wanted to have a homebirth.  I got the documentary The Business of Being Born for Sean to watch since he was not quite as far along as I was into Operation: There Goes My Worldview.  After the movie though, the decision was sealed.  I was overjoyed!  I chose a midwife in the area, researched birth supplies and birthing pools, and prepared to attend the local homebirth support group meetings.

And then I miscarried in August.

I had already made an appointment with my midwife for a first prenatal visit, and it killed me to have to call her and cancel. She encouraged me to come over for my appointment anyway. She wanted to give me a chance to talk and mourn.  I was reluctant, but I showed up.  I spent two hours with her, talking about the miscarriage, my struggles with infertility, my feelings about homebirth.  She answered all the questions I had as a newbie, like what would she do in the event of cord prolapse, hemorrhage, breech, shoulder dystocia. This woman knew birth. She was expertly trained, and I had complete confidence in her abilities.

When I got pregnant again in December, I couldn’t wait to call her.  But, since having the miscarriage, I was nervous about the pregnancy continuing.  I decided to see my regular OB for one visit in the first trimester, to have an ultrasound for a heartbeat check and to have bloodwork done.  At that visit, I wanted to tell him of my plans to choose a midwife attended homebirth, but I chickened out.  The official AMA and ACOG stance is “Homebirth Bad, Midwives Suspect” with no actual evidence to support their claims.  Even though I had the facts on my side, I still got intimidated by his shiny white coat and big words and basically couldn’t wait to run out the door.

Anyway, I eventually had to officially break up with my doctor, and it wasn’t pretty.  There were many calls made by the office to try to persuade me otherwise.  Nurses called.  The doctor called. They called during the day, at night, on weekends, and then from different numbers to try to trick me when I stopped answering.  They may have been coming from a place of genuine concern, but to me I just felt bullied.

The final straw was when I was told by a nurse practitioner that the doctor was very upset with me and felt “slighted” by my decision to leave him.  And because I am weak, I felt really guilty for a whole day and thought about writing him a letter to apologize.

But then the next morning I woke up and thought, “WHY in the world am I protecting HIS feelings!  He should care enough about his field to wonder why I and so many other women are choosing midwives over doctors in the first place.”

And so, after that we continued planning for a homebirth with the support of my midwife and family physician—family physician indeed!  There are, though they may be few, some M.D.’s who support midwives and homebirth.  I’ve learned that it’s all pretty hush hush though; at least, that’s been my experience in Missouri.  I guess doctors who are midwife friendly take a lot of heat from their peers.  Maybe their jobs are even threatened.  I don’t know.  It’s sad really because in the end, the patient is the one who suffers from all the turf wars.

At this point I must insert the obligatory disclaimer that yes, I know not all women can choose midwives or homebirth due to the high risk nature of their pregnancies or that not all women would want to even if they could.  And yes, I am aware that only God knows how my labor will unfold and that I may end up at a hospital anyway due to complications.  And if that happens, then I will be thankful for the unbelievable prenatal care I have received over the course of my pregnancy by my midwife while also being blessed to have the opportunity to receive emergency medical care by trained physicians in a hospital.

Now really.  In a country as great as ours, is that too much to ask?

See what I mean about the doorway?!?

Everyone I know lately is having natural births.  Little babies, big babies, short labors, long labors, pitocin, doulas, quiet and in control or screaming bloody murder–these friends of mine (REAL people I actually know and can verify that they lived to the story)* are doing it.  And each time I hear of one more woman trusting her body to do what it was meant to do and conquering what she knew she could not do, it gives me strength.

*Also: totally famous blogger Dooce, who I do not know, but whatever–natural childbirth is SO in now, like, for real.

My previous birth stories go a little something like this:

• Am pregnant!  Can do anything!  Excited about the birth!
• Arrive at hospital…repeatedly told what not to do…Sean shoved out of the way…am not happy anymore.
• Cue the interventions: Breaking of water.  Pitocin. Episiotomies. Et cetera.
• Use epidural as escape from the situation, not from the pain.
• Feel sad and defeated.  Also kind of loopy and yet keenly aware that this is NOT the way it’s supposed to be.
• Delivered by doctor who arrives in the last five minutes and still acts annoyed.
• Live with guilt that I regret the birth experience over being satisfied enough with the end result of a healthy baby.

Sometimes you have to bang your head against the wall a few times before you are ready to make any changes.  It was only after the second birth that I realized if I ever had another baby, I would do things differently.

And so, a very long story and strange providence eventually led to our decision that this baby would be born naturally, at home, with a midwife.

And now I hear the collective sound of jaws dropping on floors across the blogosphere…

How I got here is not unlike so many stories I’ve heard from other women who turn to midwives and/or homebirth.  I would love to share all that with you.  Another time though.

I’m sure you have questions.  Why not go natural in a hospital?  What if something goes wrong? Won’t you traumatize your kids?

Men and women smarter than me have answered these questions and more.  I will direct you to this site, if you are truly interested in learning about homebirth or midwives.

So, yeah.  There it is.  I welcome thoughts, questions, encouragement.  Maybe tone down the horror stories and insults, if that’s okay.

More on this later, plus a 35 week belly shot (which, egads!).  I usually take these pictures standing in front of a bathroom mirror.  But that is maybe not going to work much longer.  I’m going to need a bigger doorway, is all I’m saying.

Guess who turned FIVE on Monday?!?

Our little Joseph!

Five years of Joseph…such a JOY of a BOY!

With friends, food, fun, and LOTS of love!

Yummy cake from the famous McArthur’s Bakery

Emily decorated with these adorable clotheslines

And all the ladies helped to make a lovely spread

No baby shower is complete without a Diaper Cake

Thanks Beth!

And lo, here is the belly…a front shot anyway, which is only slightly less scary than a side view.

Thanks to all my friends for the best baby shower ever—I am truly blessed!

See, what happens when you go a long time without blogging is that actual, important, real-life stuff occurs…and then it gets to be too overwhelming to sit down and write about…so you ignore your blog and play on Facebook all day long.  

And obsess over the SYTYCD contestants, Jersey Housewives, Kate Gosselin, and other mindless summer distractions.

But okay, to sum up:

• I suppose you are all wondering about the pregnancy.  It goes.  Belly pic coming soon.  Brace yourselves.  
• Baby is currently breech.  There’s plenty of time to turn, but do I still stress over it and google “natural ways to turn a breech” and then spend all day hanging off my couch with frozen peas at the top of my belly?  Yes, I do.
• My dad has colon cancer.  
• Sean’s dad has skin cancer.
• Shaylea got glasses.
• We put our house on the market to try to move closer to the church.  Can I say how fun it is to try to sell a house pregnant?  So fun.
• Sean finally did outside landscaping and indoor projects (such as, and I am not kidding–we JUST NOW have a toilet paper holder thingy in the master bathroom instead of a roll of toilet paper that sits on the edge of the bathtub only to fall in and get soggy several times a week) that I have been griping about for 3 years.  I seriously hope the new owners appreciate all that hard work.  
• My feet get swollen alot these days.  When I think about having 10 more weeks of this summer pregnancy, I start to twitch a little.

Things I am totally looking forward to:

• My Baby Shower is this Friday!  I requested there be Sangria and Bunco.  The Sangria is not so much for me, but naturally I want my guests to have a good time. And the Bunco is because no one really likes those silly baby shower games anyway. Bunco–now, that’s a baby shower game I can get behind.
• Selling the house so I don’t have to clean it everyday.
• Having “pregnancy brain” over with because there is something else I am looking forward to but cannot remember what it is.
• My blog friend Kearsie is going to make me a baby quilt.  Y’all, she hand sews them. Did I mention she is a blog friend?  As in, we have not actually ever met, and yet, she would do this for me.  I love her. 

And I love all of you.  All 3 of you who still read this little blog.  I will do better with the updating, I promise!

Or so I thought.

Joseph has to go and turn 5 this summer.  KINDERGARTEN age already.  My baby! 

And so, the homeschooling of the boy begins.  I like to start off slow with little ones.  A little math here.  Some phonics there.  Handwriting occasionally.

I learned this lesson the hard way by being a complete homeschool nazi overachiever crazy person with Shaylea when she was 4.  

HA!  I laugh  now.  4 year olds are babies.  And yet, there I was, with all my expectations, ready to crush her happy little spirit and love of learning with a stack of curriculum taller than she was.

Anyway, my point is that all my “teaching” didn’t even seem to matter.  One day she started reading and I still can’t really explain how that happened.  

But, Joseph.  Not so much.

He’s got the language delays, and some fine motor skill issues, and he’s a wiggly boy…

Everything I thought I knew about homeschooling, I pretty much have to throw out the window. None of the curriculum I used for Shaylea will work for him.  I have to use programs that are visual, game-oriented, or manipulative-based.  In other words, I have to freaking START OVER.

So, my homeschooling friends out there—any suggestions?  I am currently considering Happy Phonics, Math-U-See (which I’ve used before–but just the primer), and Handwriting Without Tears.  

I *think* this will work best with him, but I would LOVE to hear from any of you.  Also, is feeling like you have to “start over” with each child a normal part of the homeschool process?

And it was awesome!

But we’re back now.  

What you missed:

~the belly is way bigger

~the baby likes to kick my ribs now

~sunscreen brand really DOES matter

~Shaylea discovered her love for body surfing

~Joseph announced he is moving to Florida

~Sean channeled his inner beach cowboy

~I survived the maternity swimsuit

Good to be home.  More pictures tomorrow!